All good things must come to an end -- including, sadly, this blog.

Yes, folks, I'm shutting her down.

I've been publishing the blog for a couple of years now, and I've had a lot of fun doing it, so it's not a decision I made lightly. But I just don't have the time (and, let's face it, the life) to sustain the blog any longer. Really, what was the last interesting thing I posted? Yeah, I thought so.

But don't fret, you won't get rid of me that easily. You can find me on Facebook (Maria Perez). I'll post all my pics, musings, etc., on there, so you'll still be able to get your daily dose of Maria (minus the Diarrhea, regrettably).

When one door opens, another one closes. Or whatever that means. I don't even really think it's apropos to this situation; it just seemed like the right thing to say.

Aw, admit it, you're gonna miss me. Sniff, sniff.

So I get home from work last night and am waiting for the roofer to come look at the leak that happened during the last storm, and my sister comes running upstairs. Turns out the toilet and sink in the downstairs bathroom was stopped up, and when she put Drano down the drain, the -- how should I put this? -- "stuff" started coming up the shower drain. The entire shower floor was covered in "stuff." (I don't have to get specific, do I?)

So I called my brother, who, God bless him, came over right away. We plunged the toilet and the shower drain, which released the clog, but the pipes were still stopped up. So we unscrewed them and had to -- by hand, mind you -- remove all the "stuff" that was blocked from going out the pipe.

Yes, there I was, with little yellow gloves on my hands, removing "stuff" from the pipes into a bucket, then taking it out to the sewer to discard it.

And so now, when you think of the phrase, "That smells like shit," you will think of me.

(I don't know why I bothered writing "stuff" for the entire posting and then just using the word "shit," but there you go.)

I took a nice, long, hot shower last night, but I can't get the smell out of my brain. I hope to God I don't smell, but you never know, do you? Maybe I'll go ask someone, but then how would I explain the question? Ah, never mind, if I do smell like, well, shit and someone has a problem with it, too bad. I had my hands full (ha!) last night.

You know the saying "You're only as old as you feel?" Whoever came up with that lied.

My sister was feeling under the weather today, so I took the day off work and went to the doctor with her. He gave her some prescriptions, so I went to the pharmacy with her. They said it'd take about an hour, and she had to get to work, so I told the pharmacist I'd pick them up for her. The pharmacist looks at my sister and says, "Oh, ok, so your mom will pick them up in about an hour."

Sigh.

Granted, my sister is 12 years younger than I, but really, her mom?!?

My sister quickly corrected her, and the pharmacist was mortified. She turned beet red and got flustered, apologizing over and over. "No big deal," I said. "You just made a sale. I'm now going to check the anti-aging creams."

I'm back from Spain. I'm not happy about it, but I'm back. Actually, that's not true. I love living here. I just wish I could have the best of both worlds. I wish Spain were closer so I could visit as often as I'd like. But then it wouldn't be as special, I suppose.

Anyway, I'll give you a basic idea of what my days were like: wake up around 10, have a little breakfast (usually a croissant, because we all know you can't gain weight on vacation -- it's been proven!), go for a walk along the beach, read a book, have lunch, take a siesta, go to the beach, have dinner, go for another walk along the beach, sleep, repeat.

I know, that sounds horrible, doesn't it? I don't know how I survived. Somehow I made it through, and I have pictures to prove it.

Yes, most of them look like the pictures from last year, but I really did go to Spain, I promise. It's just that our town doesn't really change much. One look at me, though, and you'll know for sure that it's one year later. I gotta start investigating some anti-aging options. ;-)

Well, here are the pics. I hope you enjoy them as much as I enjoyed taking them:

Spain 2008

Alrighty, I'm off to paradise:



God willing, you'll be hearing from me again in September. :-)

My birthday celebration continued this weekend. You know, this birthday thing is starting to grow on me ... lol

Saturday, my sister and I went to Long Island to meet up with my friend Janet. We went to Bobby's Burger Palace, a new burger place opened by Bobby Flay. It was deelish. I had a cheeseburger with potato chips on it, Janet had a burger with peppers and onions, and Laura had the Philly burger (with provolone and hot red peppers). Of course, we added french fries and onion rings, the latter of which were the best onion rings I've ever tasted -- no joke. And the dipping sauce. OMG, it was great. My sister also had a chocolate malted, but I was a good girl and just had iced tea. I did have a taste of the fresh whipped cream on her malted though. Seriously, that was the best whipped cream. Gee, you think I enjoyed the meal? LOL. Thanks, Janet, for the bday treat!

So Laura and I were driving home, and I say, "Let's go to AC" -- and so we did. We got there around 10 p.m., and got home at 6 a.m. I only lost $60, so it wasn't too bad, but man, I gotta tell you, I am too old for overnight trips. Yesterday was pretty much a wasted day for me, and I don't really like that feeling. Next time, it'll either be a day trip or we'll get a hotel room for the night. It was not safe driving home that tired. I literally had to hold my eyelids open. Never again.

This week I'll be getting ready for my trip to Spain. Can't wait! So if you don't hear from me, don't worry ... I'll just be stuck underneath a pile of clothes I can't quite get motivated to pack. ;-)

Happy birthday to me!

Grey, this is for you. I give you Foo Fighters:

The Foo Fighters concert last night was amazing. Yes, I got a bit of a contact high with all the pot smoking that was going on (note to self: next time, don't get floor seats -- you're too old for that), but the band sounded great and they put on a great show.

I'm trying to upload a video of my favorite song, "Pretender." I should have that up by tomorrow. In the meantime, enjoy some pics. They came out a bit dark (another note to self: get a better digital camera), but you can still make out the hottie that is Dave Grohl.

See pics here.

Foo Fighters concert tonight. Floor tickets.

Who's taking bets on how long it will take me to get knocked out?

So my friend, she of "my boyfriend called a hooker" fame, decided to take the dude back. Hey, you know, I don't agree with that, but whatever works for her. I hope they can make it work.

I know I haven't posted much lately. Been super-crazy with work. I probably won't get much of a chance to write during the next few weeks, but don't worry, I'll still be around. If anything extraordinarily, unbelievably embarrassing happens, I will make time to write about it. I wouldn't let you down. :-)

Someone I know called me the other day and told me her boyfriend (who lives with her and her 3-year-old daughter from a previous marriage) had cheated on her. "That stinks," I told her. We all know what that's like, and it isn't fun.

"No, you don't understand," she said. "He hired a call girl to come to the house ... while I was sleeping." Oh.

It was around 5 a.m. when she woke up and heard him rifling through the drawer where they keep extra money. When she asked him what he was doing, he said he was just looking for something, money in his hand. Then a car pulled up to the house and a pretty little young thing (and by that I mean a skankin' whore) came to the door. When confronted, the dude admitted it. (Me, I would have gone for the "I'm buying cocaine" option, because really, in that situation, it's totally the lesser of two evils.)

"What would you have done if I'd woken up," she asked, "slept with her on the couch?!?" Good question. Not-so-good answer: "I don't know."

And then people wonder why I'm still single ...

I just came back from the shooting range. It was frakkin' awesome.

I used a .22 and a Glock semiautomatic. The first shot was waaaay high, barely making it on the paper, but every single other shot hit the target. Every. Single. One. Who knew I was such a master marksman?

I felt silly asking for the instructor to take my picture, but I did get to keep the targets. Here's a full-body shot:



And a closeup:



Look at that. It's beeootiful. Man, I killed it. (Ok, maybe poor choice of words...)

The first few shots with each gun were a little traumatic. The smell of the gunpowder was rancid. The noise, though, wasn't that bad. I did jump at the first few ones (which isn't great when you're holding a gun), but you do get used to it.

The recoil was a little tougher to get used to, but I think I adapted quite well, as evidenced by the fact that I hit every single shot in the target. (I'm sorry, but I have to keep repeating that because it was so unexpected ... and awesome. And yes, I just called myself awesome.)

Now, you know I'm not a gun person. I'd never even been in the same room as one. But I have to admit, I got quite a rush. I may even do it again. Oh, who am I kidding? Of course, I'll do it again. Did I mention I was awesome?

So next week, I'm going to a shooting range. I have a two-hour training session with a local detective, who's going to teach me how to shoot a gun (both a pistol and a revolver) properly.

Why am I doing this? No specific reason, other than it sounds like fun. I've never shot a gun before -- never even saw one in person. What I know about guns I learned from "CSI" and "Law & Order." If I ever actually came across one in real life, I wouldn't know the first thing about using it. (That's probably a good thing, considering ...)

But I've always wanted to learn, just for my own safety. I'm not going to go out and buy a gun -- I have no desire to own one and I'd never have one in my house -- but you just never know when something like that will come in handy. Believe me, I've seen enough "Bones" episodes to know that if a serial killer has you tied up and he accidentally leaves his gun next to you, it would sorta benefit you to know how to use it.

Anyway, I don't think they'll let me take pictures (and I do not want to piss off a guy with a gun), but I'll ask in my sweetest "pretty please" voice. Actually, I don't think it will be a problem. After all, at some point, he's gotta give the gun to me. Bua-ha-ha.

Congratulations to Spain for winning the Euro Cup! Ole, Ole, Ole!!

It only took 44 years, amigos...



On a related note: Move over Beckham. I now have a new soccer crush:



How does Maria Casillas sound? Has a nice ring to it, doesn't it?

For the last few years, I've given up television during summertime. I figured that without my trusty TV as my entertainer, I'd have to, you know, actually leave the house or something. (Crazy!)

But this year, I laugh in the face of my "no TV during summer" rule. There is so much great summer fare on the boob tube this year, there's no way I'm giving it up.

Some of my new favorite shows (in no particular order, because I love all TV shows equally):

"30 Days": By director Morgan Spurlock, of "Super Size Me" fame (one of my fave documentaries ever ... and by ever, I mean that's the only one I ever watched), "30 Days" is a reality show (in the best sense of the term) that follows people who spend 30 days (duh) doing something they're not familiar with or, in some cases, are completely opposed to. There have been three episodes so far this season: Spurlock works in a coal mine in Virginia for 30 days, exposing the safety and environmental issues the industry is facing; a pro football players spends 30 days in a wheelchair; a hunter spends 30 days with animal-rights activists. It's so fascinating. And I'm continually amazed that they can get people to do the show. I mean, I wouldn't spend three days, let alone 30, with a GOP family...

"Nashville Star": Duh. You knew this one would make the list. Frankly, though, I've been a bit underwhelmed by this season. The contestants are definitely the weakest yet, and I think they've gone overboard trying to appeal to the "Idol" crowd. The move to NBC has really dumbed down the show. But I'm still gonna watch it, y'all.

"In Plain Sight," "Burn Notice," "Monk," "Psych": I love the USA Network's original shows. You can't take them too seriously, and they're so much fun to watch. And I'm so glad "Law & Order: Criminal Intent" is now on USA. If I had to pick one cable channel to watch on a desert island, this'd be it (for the summer, anyway).

"The Closer": Even though you know she's totally going to win in the end, it's the getting there that's interesting. And Jon Tenney is too cute.

"My Boys": Cute show. And it's only 30 minutes long, so it's not like you have to give it a huge commitment or anything ...

"So You Think You Can Dance": Thanks to my sister, who tied me to a chair and forced me to watch last season (ok, not really, but she did ask me nicely), I'm hooked. It's like "Idol," but with talent and heart.

"Bones": Ok, this isn't technically a summer show, but since I haven't watched it during its regular season run, I've been catching it on reruns and I really like it.

Now, I know some of you actually have lives, but if you're looking to get hooked on TV this summer, any of the above shows will treat you right. Take it from me, the tube's biggest boob. (Uh, I don't think that came out right ...)

So, it's been one week since I gave up caffeine.

Yep, that's right -- no caffeine in seven days. I thought it'd be harder, but I have to say, I'm feeling pretty good. My mood swings haven't been too bad, and I'm not as tired as I thought I'd be. I still crave my morning soda, but I've found those flavored waters aren't half-bad. All in all, I'm feeling ok about it.

What? You don't believe me?

SHUT THE #@&* UP!

I'm back to (almost) normal, so I had to share this with you.

On Sunday afternoon, I was sitting in the backyard for a few minutes, trying to get some fresh air. Our house is on a corner, so the yard is accessible by the street.

So anyway, a delivery guy passes by the fence and looks right at me and says, "You smell like a bathroom," smiles and keeps on walking.

Now, I'm sure what he actually said was something like, "The flowers are in bloom," or "You should go back to your room," or something much more innocent. But because I knew what was going on with my body, I heard "You smell like a bathroom."

Yeah, I'm sure that's what it was.

But still, I did smell like a bathroom ...

So I've been a little under the weather the last few days. Without getting into too much detail, let me just say that this blog's title was a little too prescient.

I've been sleeping a lot and, of course, watching a lot of TV. I won't do a full-on post on Nashville Star, but just let me know if you watched it, whether you liked it, and whether you'll keep on watching it -- and, most important, which contestant you liked the most. I'm not sure who I'm rooting for yet, though I'm partial to Gabe Garcia. I just can't believe Melissa Lawson was in the bottom two. Come on people, what are you thinking? Yes, Justin's cute, but he can't sing. Put him out of his misery, will ya?

Ok, I gotta run (no pun intended). I'll post more later in the week ... provided I'm not dead.

Hey, any of you guys on Twitter? If so, let me know your ID and I'll follow you.

Anyone watching "Nashville Star"? If not, you should be. It's what heartless, soulless, media-whore-of-a-show "American Idol" wishes it were.

I know what you're thinking: "Maria, I don't like country music." Well, to that I ask, Do you sit at home and listen to Andrew Lloyd Weber songs? No, but you watched "Idol" that week, didn't ya? And how about Dolly Parton? Do you have all her songs downloaded to your iPod? Didn't think so. But I bet you tuned in that week, too.

Now I love country; if I had one choice of music to listen to, country would be it. So, naturally, I love this show. But you don't have to love country to like the show. Come on, give it a try. I promise you'll like it. At the very least, you'll know what I'm talking about when you read my recaps. In the wise words of Ben Stiller, "Do it. Do it."

Anyway, here's a rundown of this week's show:

Pearl Heart: Think Dixie Chicks 2.0. This trio of adorable sisters took on the Dixie Chicks' "Wide Open Spaces" (natch), and did a fine job. Even though they had the unfortunate lead-off spot, expect them to stay around a few more weeks.

Tommy Stanley: He's got quite a nice voice, but he's not one of my favorites. He'll make it a few more weeks, though; thanks to his Navy job, he's sure to get the patriotic vote.

Shawn Mayer: I don't think this self-proclaimed "redneck woman" is as great as she thinks she is, but I'll admit she has talent. And she might get the Gretchen Wilson vote, though I give her one or two more weeks at the most. There are just too many great performers on the show, and her choice of Janis Joplin's "Piece of My Heart" was a big mistake.

Third Town: I'm just "eh" on this trio. They've got nice voices, I'll give them that. But they chose "Elvira" as their introductory song. Huh? Unless they whip out some Rascal Flatts soon, I don't give them too much longer.

Coffey: This guy is my hands-down favorite. I just love everything about him. He's cute, he's a single dad with an adorable little girl, and he's a snappy dresser (love the studded guitar belt buckle!). Ok, so I don't love that his name is pronounced "coff-ay" rather than like the drink, but hey, I can get over that. Go, Coffey!

Laura & Sophie: This duo is so darn cute! One's 16, one's 18 (I'm not sure which is which), and they are super-talented. I would buy their recording of "Stand By Your Man" in a split second. But Jewel was right -- they need better stage presence. They're young, though, so I'm sure they can work on that.

Gabe Garcia: Love him -- and not just because he's representing Hispanics. He's got one of the most, if not the most, typical country voices there, yet he still managed to make the song sound new. He'll definitely make it to the finals.

Alyson Gilbert: I did not like her at all. Her voice is ok, but, like Jewel said, she does that sort of pageanty way about her. I think she'll be the first to go. Oh well.

Ashlee Hewitt: I didn't expect to like her, but I do. She didn't overdo her singing (on Colbie Caillat's "Bubbly") like some of the others, which might actually do her in. If I've learned nothing from "Idol," I've learned that voters don't like understated -- they want runs, baby, runs. I hope she stays on a few more weeks, at least, but I doubt it.

Justin Gaston: Consider him the Ace Young of the competition. He's cute in a Hollywood model kind of way, but he just doesn't have the vocal chops. I'm sure all the girls in the audience will vote for him, so he'll be fine for another week or so, but at some point, people will have to realize he really can't sing, won't they? Please?

Melissa Lawson: This plus-size powerhouse is Amazing with a capital A. On my list of top three, along with Coffey and Gabe Garcia.

Ultimately, I'd love to see a Gabe-Coffey finale, but it's still early for that, isn't it? I'm sure I'll change my mind 10 times before then. Watch the show (Monday, 9 p.m., on NBC) and find out if you agree with me.

Do it. Do it.

So, my sister and I went hiking at the Delaware Water Gap on Saturday.

Do me a favor, will ya? Next time I say I want to go hiking -- or anything that involves nature, for that matter -- remind me of this tiny little detail: I hate nature!

I don't know what I was thinking. I'm so definitely a city girl. I mean, I love the outdoors ... just as long as it's covered in concrete. But hey, you gotta give me points for trying, right?


All smiles before the hike

Anyway, so we drive about an hour and 15 minutes, which isn't too bad, except that it's, like, 95 degrees out and it's only 8 a.m. There's no amount of air conditioning a car can put out to combat heat like that. But hey, I'm suddenly an adventure lover, right? I can put up with a little stifling, drenching, suffocating heat, right?



So we get there, and we take one of the easier trails. Everything's going great so far. We decide to try a little bit of a steeper trail. A few steps in, I hear my sister scream. I look back and she says (I kid you not), "A fly just pooped in my eye!" And wouldn't you know it, when I looked in here eye, I saw it ... all over her eyelashes. A fly had pooped in her eye. Who knew flies could even poop?



Its big brother then decided to feed on my right calf (and I've got the huge mark to prove it). We killed it, and continued on our way, undeterred by the fly attacks.

After about 40 minutes, when we stopped to enjoy the view, the fly's first-cousin-once-removed decided to exact its revenge, chasing me and buzzing from one ear to the other. I'm serious -- I know it was only a fly, but it wouldn't leave me alone! I started running down the trail like a mad woman, screaming "F***ing fly! Oh my god! Oh my god! Get this f***ing fly off of me! ARGHHHH." I took off, making it down the trail (the same one that took us 40 minutes to climb) in about, oh, five minutes. Poor Laura, she had no choice but to run after me. As she said later, if someone had told me to run down the trail, I'd look at them as if they were crazy. But get a fly after me ...



When we got to the bottom of the trail, Laura said, "Ok, if we go down this other trail, we can get to the waterfall." To which I replied, "If we get back in the car and take the Turnpike, we can get back home." And that is indeed what we did.

So if I ever get the urge again to do something that involves birds, bees, trees or any such thing, smack me, will ya?

David's graduation yesterday was sooooo cute. How cute? I was a room with dozens of 5-year-0lds and I didn't run from the room screaming or pulling out my hair...








Tomorrow, my sister and I are going hiking at the Delaware Water Gap, which I hear is absolutely stunning.

It's supposed to get to 97 degrees, though. Yikes. But the way I figure it, it's not like the summer's going to get any less hot, right? We might as well go while we have the chance. What's the worst than can happen? (Er, don't answer that ...)

Yes, friends, this is my brother, channeling Hannah Montana. I'm so proud.

Thankfully, my sister-in-law's a bit more normal:





Em, uh, ok, well how about Claudia, then?





Good lord, is anyone in this family normal? Bueller? Bueller?





Oh, thanks, David. I was starting to worry. And you know, folks, it's a sad state of affairs when David is the normal one.

Anyway, Claudia's birthday celebration was a blast (as evidenced by the above photos). We laughed, we cried, we did a Hannah Montana dance or two. Good times. You can see all the pics here.

Tomorrow's David's kindergarten graduation (go, David!), so I'll share those pics on Friday.

So you know when you buy a pair of jeans and they look great and you can't wait to wear them? And then you put them in the dryer and they get all misshapen and weird-looking?

Well, let's just say that Claudia's cake came out looking like the post-dryer jeans:



Ok, so it's not a masterpiece (I kinda missed a spot in the crotch area -- unintentionally, I assure you) but at least it's edible. And can you say that about your favorite jeans? :-)

So tomorrow's Claudia's birthday, which means ... another cake.

The soon-to-be 10-year-old(!) would like her cake in the shape of a pair of jeans. I'm telling ya, these kids are killin' me. Since when does Carvel not do the trick anymore?

(I complain, but I secretly love it...)

I'll have pics tomorrow of the cake -- good or bad -- and the birthday girl. Wish me luck.

My father passed away nine years ago today. He would have been 72.

If you knew my dad, you'd know the last thing he'd want us to do would be to sit around mourning him all day. Instead, he'd want us to celebrate his life. Of course, for those of us left behind, it's hard to do when all we can think about is that he's no longer with us. But we can still remember him in our own way.

Every year, my sister takes the day off work, goes to the park and just remembers him. I will work today, but my dad will be with me as the day goes on, in the back corners of my mind. This isn't really different from most days, though. He's always there, and I can see him as clearly as I did that last day. I know they say that our memories of the ones we've lost lessen over time, but that just hasn't happened. Whether it's because he was taken from us so young or so unexpectedly, or because he was just such a strong presence, I don't know, but he's still so ... vivid.

What I remember most are the funny things he did, his goofy laugh, even the fact that he wore his shirt unbuttoned all the way down to his waist, with his gold anchor chain hanging over his hairy chest. Yep, that's my dad.

I wish I had pictures of him to post. This was before digital cameras -- or, at least, before I had one -- but for those of us that knew him, there's no forgetting what he looked like or who he was. Yes, he had his personal demons. Who among us doesn't? But ultimately, what we remember about him was his love of life, his sense of humor, how he was the first one people called when they needed help (and how he was the first one to offer it), and how much he loved us. Those qualities are what made my dad who he was, and the reasons we miss him so.

So Dad, today, in your honor, I will go home after work, sit back, drink a beer, smoke a cigarette, and yell out "Muros!" at completely random moments. (Don't ask. It's a Perez thing.) Love you, Dad.

The pirate cake was a huge success! When he saw it, David said, "Tia, it looks perfect!" How sweet is that? Now you know why I love this kid.

To view pics of the festivities, click here. Pay no attention to the bra hanging off the radiator. It wasn't that kind of party. That was already there. (If you're a girl, you'll understand...)

And poor David had a little bit of an infection in his left eye. Thankfully, it seems to be fine now.

Only five more days and I have to do it all again, for Claudia, who's turning 10. She wants a "blue jeans" cake. Oy. Thank goodness this is only once a year!

So my nephew, David, asked me to make him a birthday cake. (Happy Birthday, David!!)

I tried to get him to go with the Lego cake, which is basically just a square cake with some marshmallows on top, but nooooo, he wanted the pirate cake.

I don't think it came out too bad, actually:

Man, I can't wait to bite into that little chocolate dude. Em, that sounded a little wrong ...

Maria Diarrhea's Moviewatch:

"There Will Be Blood": Finally! I put off watching it -- even though I wanted to see it -- because I thought that (a) it would be boring, and (b) it would be violent. Thankfully, the latter was not the case. Yes, there were a couple of "intense" scenes, but for the most part, the movie was dramatic but not gory. Unfortunately, I did find it a tad boring. Yes, Daniel Day Lewis gives one doozy of a performance -- and fully deserved his Oscar -- but it was painfully slow in many parts. And the music ... oh my gosh, it drove me crazy. The soundtrack is the absolute worst and, in some parts, was actually louder than the dialogue and made it difficult to hear what was being said. Annoying. I think that may be what soured me a little on the movie. Without the soundtrack, I might have liked it more. But it is what it is, and what it is, is ok. That last scene, though -- Wow!

"Iron Man": I'm a fan of comic-book movies, and this one did not disappoint. It was filled with top-rate action and effects, sharp dialogue, great acting and -- most importantly -- Robert Downey Jr.! He did for this movie what Johnny Depp did for "Pirates of the Caribbean" -- that is, make the movie more interesting just by his very presence in it. I can't wait to see the sequel, though the next time I hope to not have to sit next to a woman with a 2-year-old who cries "Mami, mami, mami, papi, papi, papi" the entire time. Why do people do that, especially at an 8 p.m. show? Shouldn't your child be sleeping? If you can't afford a babysitter, then guess what? You can't go to the movies. Simple as that.

Next up: I really want to see the "Indiana Jones" movie, though I'll wait a couple of weeks to avoid the massive crowds. Oh, and I'll probably be dragged to "Sex and the City." Not that I'd hate it, but it's just not my cup of tea. But what I'm really looking forward to: "Get Smart." Now that I may have to see on opening weekend...

Cookie's "Guitar Hero" commercial:

http://youtube.com/watch?v=_HnfYNLhkqM

Enjoy! :-)

Yes! Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, Yes!

Woo! David Cook is our new "American Idol"!

Cougars for Cook, unite!

(Lots of exclamation points here, I know.)

I was so happy, especially because I know Archie will be just fine. In fact, Simon was right -- it didn't really matter which one won. They've both got a huge career ahead of them. I'm still glad Cook won, though ...

They're both doing an outdoor concert on the "Today" show next Thursday. Hmm, let me check my calendar ... I may just have to take a day off ...

Woo-hoo!

Ok, I'll admit it. I watched "Idol" last night.

I wasn't going to, I really wasn't. But then my sister rightfully pointed out that since she was going to watch it anyway, it wasn't like I was going to impact their ratings. Yeah, good point, Laura. Why didn't you think of this, oh, I don't know, three weeks ago?!?

Anyway, was it just me, or did they totally throw David Cook under the bus? You'd think they'd want him to win, seeing as how he'd probably be the most successful of them all, but they seemed to favor Archie all the way. Granted, Arch did really well last night -- and I mean really. It definitely was his strongest night yet. But how many of us would buy his album? (And how old am I that I'm still calling it an album?)

Then again, perhaps that was their strategy -- be hard on Cook so his fans mobilize and vote for him. Who knows? It's not like the show is above manipulation...

What did you think? Did you vote? Will Archie win it all? And will Cook be the winner regardless?

Moi and Eva paint the town

On Friday, my sister, my friend Eva (aka "Anonymous, xoxo") and I went to see comedian Mike Marino perform at a local joint.

Don't worry, we didn't take the stage, much to the dismay of Eva, who's convinced we'd have a "hilarious" stand-up routine. ("Vinnie, get the bat!")

No, we were on our best behavior. We did get a little carried away with the laughing, though. My sister said the comedian kept staring at me because I was "cackling." Oh well, there are worse things, I suppose. Well, actually, you know I've done worse; you've read this blog.

Patrick Swayze showed up and sang a song. Ok, it wasn't really Patrick Swayze; it was some guy named Patrick who sang on Broadway or something. But Eva and I like the Swayze story better. How awesome would that have been? "Nobody puts Maria Diarrhea in a corner!"

We did, though, get a surprise appearance by Danny Aiello. And I'm sure I would be more excited about that if I were 80 years old. "That Danny boy, he's such a cute young fella."

All in all, it was a fun night. We got out of the house, had a laugh and got home at a respectable hour. And, really, what more can you ask of an old lady?

And hey, Eva, look ... you finally made it to my blog! Oh my gawd, you're famous. Huzzah!

My latest Baysider article is available here.

I've also got an exciting interview coming up with Artemis Pyle from Lynyrd Skynyrd. He's got an interesting life story, so it should be quite a lively read. Stay tuned for more info on that.

Happy birthday, Diego!

My second Baysider piece was posted this week.

You can view it here.

I don't know if you've ever noticed the Google ads above these postings, but sometimes they're totally hysterical.

The ones I see there now are for "Stomach Bloating" and "The IBS Diet." Ha! I can't quite figure those out, except that it might be because I mentioned underwear in a posting earlier today?

(And now that I mentioned them again, I'm sure they'll never go away...)

Anyway, check them out from time to time. They'll give you a chuckle.

Here's my first article for the Bayonne Baysider:

Bayonne Senior Orchestra is 'Unforgettable'

It's not going to win me any awards, but it's nice to see my byline. That never gets old (no pun intended). ;-)

You may have noticed a new link to the right, Bayonne Baysider. It's a new Web site covering my hometown, and I'll be writing for them on a regular basis. In addition to general entertainment and lifestyle news, I'll also write a semi-regular food column, profiling area restaurants, food events, recipes, etc. I'm sure it won't win any Pulitzers, but I think it'll be a fun assignment.

My first article, which should be posted later today, is on the Bayonne Senior Orchestra (contain your excitement, please). I interviewed the bandleader (June) yesterday, and I had to share our little exchange:

Me: Hi, June. It's Maria. Is this a bad time?

June: Hold on a second. My hands are wet.

[Long wait.]

June: Maria, when you buy new underwear, do you wash it before you put it on?

Me: Um ... yeah ... Definitely.

June: Well, that's what I was just doing.

I am not making that up, I swear. Like my sister-in-law said, the oldies are just like little kids -- they just say what comes to mind. Great, I see the future now: "Hey, have you seen my laxatives? I'm feeling a little bloated right now." Oh, wait, actually, that sounds like me now.

I have come to a decision: After much consideration, I am no longer watching "Idol."

Oh, I'm sure that once I stop watching it, it'll get much better, as happened with "Grey's Anatomy," "Moonlight" and a gazillion other shows that improved after they lost me. But I don't want to continue rewarding the producers for their questionable practices and blatant contempt for viewers and our level of intelligence.

So "Idol," I'm sure I'll miss you, but it's over baby. And this time, it is you, not me.

Wow. What a train-wreck show. That shiz was crazy!

I could go into each performance, but really, the only thing anyone is talking about today is PaulaGate.

The night started off rather uneventfully, with Ryan telling us this week's mentor would be none other than Neil Diamond. Love him! (Ooh, David Cook, please sing "Sweet Caroline." Pretty please. No? Bummer. That would have been awesome.)

Ryan said everyone would sing two songs. That's 10 performances in one hour. Too much! Frankly, I'm surprised they didn't take advantage of the two-song format to stretch the show out even more. They do love their extra-long shows. And it's not like anyone would miss "Hell's Kitchen."

Because of the two-songs-per-person format, the show felt extremely rushed. Far from the professionally staged show "Idol" usually puts on, this felt like amateur hour. Honestly, I think my high school put on a more organized talent show back in the ... oh, dates are irrelevant.

And then there was PaulaGate. There are a few theories on what the hell happened: 1) Paula watched the dress rehearsal the night before and so had a good idea of how the contestants would do; 2) the producers feed the judges (or maybe even just Paula) lines of what they're supposed to say, presumably so they can somewhat control which contestants get eliminated or get to stay; 3) Paula's a freakin' looneyhead.

Now, #3 is a given. And #1 doesn't bother me too much. I don't have a problem with judges seeing the performances in dress rehearsals, as long as they don't use that performance as the basis for their critique. They should only judge the actual performance on the night of the show. So if #1 were true, I'd be upset, but it wouldn't make me stop watching the show forever.

However, #2 would. But really, would it be that surprising if it were true? Do we really believe there isn't an inordinate amount of manipulation going on behind the scenes anyway? The producers have their hand in everything. What's to stop them from telling the judges -- or Paula, anyway -- what to say? But if that's the case, she's doing a horrible job of delivering it. She never makes any sense. And if they are feeding her lines, they should fire the illiterate who's telling her what to say.

Whatever the reason, I firmly believe that all the craziness was completely unfair to Jason. Imagine having to perform your song after a judge told you they hated it. "Look, I know you haven't sung it yet, but you're going to suck. But hey, good luck!"

I want them to come on tonight and say that what happened yesterday was a mistake. That even though Jason got the lowest number of votes, they won't vote him off and they'll all get another chance next week. I want that to happen, but it won't, because "Idol" never admits its mistakes.

So I fear for Jason. Well, not enough to vote for him, but I'd hate to see that goofy grin go. Plus, who's gonna eat all those brownies when he's gone?

I have a new obsession: Discovery Channel's "Deadliest Catch."

I know, how interesting can a TV show about fishing be? Turns out, pretty darn interesting. I'm totally and completely obsessed. Thanks to a marathon viewing, I watched hours and hours of it this weekend.

I love how the captains have superstitions -- like biting the head off a herring before the first day of the season (gross!) -- and they take them very seriously. And I mean very. One captain considered turning around and heading back when he realized no one had eaten the ritual Cup-a-Soup before they lowered the first pot.

It's also interesting to see how the men interact with each other when it's just guys on a boat (or is it a ship?) in the open sea, with no women around for miles and nautical miles.

My favorite captain is Sig "I want my crab count and I want it NOW!" Hansen:



I have to admit that I do have a little bit of a crush on him, bad haircut and all. I'm sure I'd get used to the fish smell, right?

"Hallelujah, hallelujah, halleloooo ... ooh ooh ooh ... ooh ooh jah!"

Jason made it (he wasn't even in the bottom two!), and boy did that kid me laugh. From his yawning backstage when Ryan said "Find out which of the remaining four contestants will be in the bottom two," to his "choo choo" arm gesture when Randy said his performance the night before was a train wreck, to his screaming "yeah!" then slowly backing up when Ryan said Carly was going to perform her song again. He was soooo stoned. At least, I hope he was, or his behavior is really, truly crazy.

But I digress. Jason, Brooke and David Cook are safe (yay!). Archie is, too (yawn). Syesha barely made it (whatevs). And Carly's a goner (sad, but not very).

And how about that Leona Lewis, eh? I really like that tune, and that girl can sing! Hey, maybe Simon really does know his stuff after all ...

Oh, Jason. Sweet, little, dreadlocked Jason. I'm going to miss you.

That was painful last night, huh? I was rooting for him, I really was. You know I love him. But man, even I can admit that was bad. He did get the best line of the night -- "I didn't know it was a cat singing it" -- but that was pretty much the high point for him.

I think Syesha did really well, though, turning in her best performance yet. Same goes for Carly. I'm not her biggest fan, but she finally showed some personality and actually looked she might be having fun.

I wish I could say the same for Brooke. Gosh dang it. I loves me some Brooke, but it was just so painful to watch. She wasn't horrible. Ok, yes, she was. I felt so bad for her. I don't think she'll go home this week -- that honor belongs to Jason -- but her downward spiral in the last few weeks has made me fear for her sanity. Doesn't she look so fragile? She's totally losing it before our eyes. I'm hoping, though, that it might ultimately help her get past this week, with people voting for her out of pity. One holds on to whatever hope one can find.

The person I wish people would stop voting for is Archie. Now, now -- don't look at me like I just clubbed a baby seal. Yes, he's got a nice, pure voice. Yes, he's sweet and all that. But come on, would you really buy his album? Really? You'd cough up some of that money you've been saving up to buy a Venti Triple Mocha Latte to hear Archie sing what essentially amounts to a second-rate Clay Aiken tune? I didn't think so.

We all know Cook's gonna take the whole thing anyway.

As for tonight's results, I see Syesha, Jason and Brooke in the bottom three, with Jason going home. It pains me to say it, but I fear it might be true.

You know how there are days when things are going great? You had a good night's sleep, you woke up without any back pain, you weighed yourself and were not disgusted by the number staring back at you? Those days are wonderful. So wonderful you just know the other shoe is gonna drop.

Well, the shoe dropped, and it made a whole hell of a lot of noise.

I went to my house this weekend, to say hi to my tenants and get this month's rent. My tenants are great -- they're responsible, they don't bug me all the time, and they're just genuinely nice people. I don't really have any problem with them at all. I like them a lot.

And then this morning, they dropped a bomb on me. There's mold in the house. And not just in one little corner -- it's like all over. It's in the closet of their little girl's bedroom, there's some in the bathroom, some seems to be spreading to the living room. And the walls in the bedroom are obviously water-damaged. They're going to have to be torn down and replaced, no doubt. I'm going to call a mold remediator today, and I should likely call a roofer, too, to see if there's a problem with the roof (which, by the way, is only three years old...). Needless to say, this is going to cost me a buttload. And I have a big butt.

So yeah, whenever you have those days where you think, "My, isn't the sun especially warm and bright today?" or "Mmm, these pancakes taste especially delicious today," just hope that other shoe doesn't drop. Because if you're like me, you'll find yourself being hit on the head with a steel-toed work boot.

Sigh.

Not only am I rarely wrong, but I don't admit it even when I am. But today, my friends, I have no problem admitting I was wrong about Carly getting voted off, and that's because Miss Kristy Lee Cook is out. Gone, baby, gone!

I should feel bad for being happy she's gone, because all she -- all any of the contestants -- are trying to do is live out their dream. Do we really have cause to hate her? Is she a horrible person? Did she kill a kitten? Is she feasting off the blood of live bats? Unlikely. She just wasn't the best singer, that's all. But props to her for trying for it and continuing week after week, even when it was completely apparent she had not a snowball's chance in hell of winning.

I do fear for Brooke, though. She's been in the bottom two twice already, and I'm worried next week might do her in. And, to be honest, she's starting to grate on my nerves a little -- don't worry, Grey, not a lot ... just a smidge, a teaspoon's worth, if you will.

Oh, and Diego, do I need to point out that Jason was not even in the bottom three? Take that!

Wow. I never thought I'd say this -- never in a million, billion, googillion years thought I would say this: I am now a fan of David Cook.

There, I said it. It was a little hard to get out, but I said it. I am now in David's corner -- if still a little reluctantly.

Let's face it, the guys blew the girls out of the water last night. True, the girls had to put up with the inevitable Mariah comparison, but not one of them even come close to David's performance -- or even Jason's, for that matter. (All you Castro haters, don't even...)

I'm hoping Kristy Lee goes home tonight, but it'll probably be Carly. Syesha should be safe, since Mariah music is her thing and she sang it well. But Carly, poor Carly -- she's like the human punching bag for this show. No matter what she does or sings to please the judges, they just keep knocking her down. If she doesn't go this week, she definitely will soon.

I'm more worried about Brooke, though. Her performance was so tentative this week. For once, I agreed with Randy (dawg!) -- when she faltered toward the end, she sped up on the piano and that threw her completely off. The end did seem rushed. I really like Brooke, though, so I hope she stays for at least another week. I mean, how much would it suck to miss your sister's wedding by just one week? I hope Brooke fans stepped up and voted for her. Keep the "sunshine ray" (as Carly would call her) on and get rid of the lesser Cook, will ya?

Either way, I guess we'll find out tonight. Think good thoughts, Jason Castro and David Cook fans ... think lots of good thoughts.

I know, I know, I haven't posted in over a week. Between work, school and getting through one painful leg day after another, I haven't had much time to do anything; ergo, I have no stories for you.

I do want to say, though, how much I abhor "American Idol." It's not that I'm surprised by its crass commercialization (really, is that a shock to anyone?). It's not even that I'm annoyed at their group performance of "Shout to the Lord" (imagine the backlash had one of the singers not wanted to participate: "What? You hate Jesus?!?"). What really, really got my panties in a bunch -- and not in a good way -- was Ryan Seacrest.

I've always had the suspicion that Seacrest didn't really give two sh*ts about those kids, that he'd sell them out for a stick of butter and two packs of Camel Lights. But he sunk to an all-new low last night: "Last year, we didn't eliminate anyone during Idol Gives Back week. This year..." he said, giving the contestants one last flicker of hope -- "...we say goodbye to Michael Johns."

What an ass! (Seacrest, not Johns.) And you know he enjoys it.

I know I'm getting too worked up over this. It's just a TV show, for crissakes. I know that. But all its cheesiness and craptasticness is not the contestants' fault. It's the show that's one big walking commercial for Coke and Ford. It's the show's producers who come up with those stupid themes, edit the clip packages and make the contestants do the group singalongs. The singers are just trying to live their dream and make it as musicians. Hey, if I could sing, I would have totally tried out for Idol in my 20s (which would have been, ahem, last year...). Last night just got to me, and not just because I had Johns in the office pool to take the whole thing. I can pretty much be sure I won't be winning that pool.

And for those who would say, "Why don't you just not watch it?" I'd say, you're right. So I won't be watching it anymore ... right after this season's over. Go Jason Castro!

Maria Diarrhea's Moviewatch:

It was a slow weekend in terms of movie-watching, thanks to my stupid sciatica kicking in. But I think I paid close-enough attention to these films to rate them:

"We Own the Night": Joaquin Phoenix and Mark Wahlberg (sans the Funky Bunch) star in this tale of two brothers who, naturally, are on different sides of the law. Wahlberg is good as the cop, but Phoenix really shines as the "criminal." I put "criminal" in quotes because he never really does anything illegal, besides smoke some pot. Oooooh, watch out for him! Anyhoo, it's a good-enough film, but not something you absolutely have to see.

"Dan in Real Life": Now this one you really should see. It's such a nice movie. Steve Carrell is great as a widowed dad who has given up on finding love, then starts to fall in love with a woman (Juliette Binoche) who just happens to be the new girlfriend of his brother (Dane Cook). It's a little convoluted, and I didn't really buy Binoche as Cook's girlfriend, but the script and performances make up for the lapse in storyline. I have to admit, though, that I have a tough time separating Steve Carrell from his "The Office" character. Everything he does is so Michael Scott-ish. It's not a bad thing; I'm just sayin'.

I also caught "8 MM" on TV. It stars Nicolas Cage and Joaquin Phoenix. Cage's character is a detective who's hired to find out whether a "snuff" film found in a deceased politician's safe is the real thing -- as in, was the person in the film really killed, or was it all just for show? It's an interesting premise, but the movie turns out to be pure crap -- just an excuse to show sexual deviants doing sexually deviant stuff. (Yes, I know I sound like a prude. Trust me, I'm not -- this movie is just that crappy.) Anyway, it's an older movie (Oh, lord ... now even I'm considering '90s movies old -- what does that make me?!?). Well, I don't know why I even bothered watching it, except that it was on HBO and there was absolutely nothing else on TV. There's nothing remotely interesting about this movie. I don't particularly like Cage to begin with, but I do like Joaquin Phoenix and thought I'd give it a looky-loo. Really, the movie stunk. No need to see this if you haven't already.

And that's this week's edition of Maria Diarrhea's Moviewatch. Stay tuned next week for (I hope) "There Will Be Blood" and "Into the Wild." I might also see "The Kite Runner," though that's iffy because I read the book and don't want to ruin that memory of it. We'll see. I'm sure you'll be waiting with bated breath.

I love a good book, even more than I love a good movie. There's just something about the time you invest in a book. And when it turns out to be great, it's so much more satisfying. It's as if you had a part in creating it, rather than just sitting your butt down in front of a screen for a couple of hours and watching what someone else made. Not that there's anything wrong with that ...

I've read some really good books lately, the most recent being "The Innocent Man," by John Grisham. Now, I know what you're thinking: "Great? Grisham?" Well, I happen to like Grisham's books anyway, but all you high-brow literati take note: This particular book is not a novel, but a non-fiction account of a man who spent 17 years in bars -- many of them on Death Row -- for a murder he didn't commit. Oh, all you cynics out there, hush. They eventually got the right guy, so pfft.

Anyway, I'm all booked out. I can't think of anything that's out right now that I haven't read or want to read, so I'm looking for ideas. I came upon this Web site, Goodreads, that lets friends share their thoughts on their favorite (and not so favorite) books. You rate a book from one to five stars; you also have the option of writing a review if you want. It's a pretty neat site. If you check it out and you like it, let me know and I'll add you to my friends list so we can share thoughts on the books we're reading. Up next on my list is "The Time Traveler's Wife." I hadn't heard of it until I went on the site, but it looks really interesting and it's gotten generally good reviews.

So if you're into books, take a gander at Goodreads. And if you want to connect with me on the site, let me know. I'm always on the lookout for my new favorite book. Though, I have to say, "Wicked" is going to be pretty tough to beat...

Okey dokey, here are the pictures from my trip. I tried to explain as much as I could in the captions.

London pics

Hope you enjoy!

I'm back from London! I had a great time and saw lots and lots of the things you go to London to see -- Big Ben, Westminster Abbey, Tower of London, etc. I'll post the pics in a few days, but first let me tell you about my little adventure getting there and back.

So a couple of days before my trip, my back started to hurt. I have sciatica, but as long as I stretch regularly, I can usually keep the pain at bay. Even then, it's painful but not unbearable. Usually.

I don't know if it was the stress of flying or what, but I was in full-on pain. By the day of the flight, I could barely even walk. When I went to put my sneakers on to go to the airport, I couldn't even lift my leg enough to put my sneaker on. I felt awful. If it was going to be like this in London, what was the point of even going? I had a little breakdown, I must admit. The timing just seemed to work against me. But after a little self-pity and crying jag, I decided to go on the trip, leg be damned. Oh, and I also took lots and lots of pain pills.

Thank goodness we decided to get premium seats on the way there. The premium area was almost empty, and Neets and I were able to get our own rows. The seats were really comfortable and they reclined enough that I was able to lay back and let the pills kick in. I slept the entire flight there. Man, if you can do that, it's awesome. You literally close your eyes and wake up in another country. If only all trips could be like that.

Anyway, when we landed in London, my leg was starting to feel a little better. I continued to take the pills the entire time there, just to keep it under control, but thankfully, after that little burp of a start, I was able to walk around London and enjoy the sites. And are there sites to see! We stayed in the Trafalgar Square area, and so we walked around there and checked out the stores. We also visited Windsor Castle, Stonehenge, Oxford, Tower of London, St. Paul's Cathedral, Harrod's, Big Ben, Westminster Abbey, Buckingham Palace, Green Park, Hyde Park, St. James Park and the Princess Diana Memorial. Phew! I'm tired just listing all those things; imagine visiting all of those places ... in four days!

But that wasn't as exhausting as the trip back. First, we had to wait at the airport for an extra four hours because our flight was delayed. That's four hours we could have instead spent in London, but hey, what can you do? But then there was the woman sitting next to me who apparently had tuberculosis or some other awful disease. She coughed and coughed and coughed without ever once covering her mouth. Gross. And her daughter, who was sitting next to her, was also sick and apparently also didn't know she should cover her mouth. She also didn't seem to notice that it would be kinda rude to put her bare feet across her mother's lap and have them be right next to me. And then, I had to take the vegetarian meal, which was disgusting, because the chicken meal had mushrooms in it. Why do the British love their mushrooms so? It's such a hit-or-miss food, why do they put it in everything? There are plenty of people who don't each mushrooms. I can't be the only one, right?

But that, my friends, was not even the worst of it. Having the flight land at midnight instead of 8 p.m. was sucky, as was tuberculosis lady and gross food. But the absolute worst was getting detained by Homeland Security for over an hour because there's someone with the same name as you with an arrest warrant out for them. That, my dear, sweet friends, really sucks. Because once you're in the detention room, you can't use your cell phone, you can't communicate with the people who are there to pick you up, you can't pick up your luggage -- you pretty much can't do anything until you're told you're clear. And that can take anywhere from a few minutes to a few hours. In fact, they can hold you for up to 24 hours if they need/want to. It's great being an American citizen, what will all the rights and freedoms we have, eh?

But let's not focus on the negative. The vacation itself was great. I saw so much beautiful architecture and learned so much about the country's history. And two big thumbs up to Neets, a fantastic tour guide! She'd been there several times before and knew what we should see and what we could skip, and how to get around to all the places. Thanks, Neets!

Before I head off to London, let me leave you with a very special episode of Maria Diarrhea's Moviewatch:

"War": Stars Jet Li and Jason Statham (hot, hot, hot!). About the plot: Um, the movie has Jason Statham in it? That's about all I remember. I'm certain the people watching this movie -- and by people, I mean me -- don't really care about plot with a flick like this. Something about honoring somebody and killing someone else. Whatev. It's got Jason Statham.

"Gone Baby Gone": This was Ben Affleck's directorial debut, and it's excellent. It's about two Boston detectives who investigate a little girl's kidnapping, but that's just the general plot. The genius is in the dialogue and acting. Hello, Ed Harris! Long time no see. Morgan Freeman, although he doesn't have a lot of screen time, is also very good and definitely leaves an impression. He's so darn cool! I also love Titus Welliver, though I found his character's handlebar mustache distracting. And Amy Ryan, who plays the kidnapped girl's mom, was completely deserving of the Oscar nomination she got for this role. Really, there's nothing bad I can say about this movie. It's a definite yes.

"Good Luck Chuck": Don't judge me, but I loved this movie. There were several laugh-out-loud scenes, and although I'm not a huge Dane Cook fan, I enjoyed him in this movie. It's not a "go rent this now" movie, but if it happens to come on HBO or something, go ahead and watch it. It's entertaining.

"Mystic River": I thought this would be totally boring, given Clint Eastwood directed it (and Clint does love his looong movies), but I'm glad to say I was wrong. It was completely riveting, and Sean Penn and Tim Robbins give amazing performances. Now this is one that, if you haven't seen yet, you should run out and rent.

Well, that's it for this edition of Maria Diarrhea's Moviewatch. Wish me fun in London!

Only five more days to London! This is going to be the slowest five days of my life.

So here's the hotel we're staying at:



Doesn't it just look lovely?

It's located right by Trafalgar Square and Picadilly Circus, and not too far from Westminster Abbey. Now, I'm not actually sure what those things are, but I've watched enough movies that take place in London to know they're important landmarks. I just hope I don't fall into the River Thames -- because you just know that's something that would happen to me. Hey, but maybe some hot London dude that just happens to be walking by will jump in and save me. Hm, I'm starting to see some possibilities.

Um, back to reality...

We're also doing a day trip to Stonehenge:



I think I'm most excited about that part of the trip. Normally, I'd be most excited about the food, but this is England, so that's not really a priority. I mean, how many fish and chips can one girl eat?

So my mom's birthday party went out without a hitch last weekend. I got her a calendar will all our pics on it, which she loved. I'm also hoping to kidnap her this weekend and take her to AC. Gotta get some gambling in before she leaves for Spain again. Yes, I've been complaining about having her around, but now that she's almost gone, I'm starting to miss her already.

Doesn't she look great for 61? (Shhh, don't tell her I told you...)



And, of course, the kids gotta do their hammy picture thing.

The devilish David:



And the clever Claudia:



Hey, if I win at AC tomorrow, I'll make sure to take a picture of me screaming as they hand me the million-dollar check. Hey, a girl can dream ...

Woo hoo! Go Javier Bardem! Way to represent us Spaniards!

I agreed with most of the winners, especially Bardem -- but that's mostly because he's one of the only nominated performances I actually saw... I always say I'm going to watch all the nominees, but never quite make it. But I did get to knock one off my list this weekend: "Michael Clayton" (see review below). I thought Tilda Swinson was very good, but enough to win the Oscar? I probably would have gone with Cate Blanchett, not because I saw the movie but just based on her past performances. Also, Tilda seems a little, well, strange, doesn't she? She has an alien look to her. No, that shouldn't reflect on her acting abilities. I'm just sayin'. And this is my blog, so I'm entitled to it. So there.

Anyway, here's the latest Maria Diarrhea Moviewatch:

"Michael Clayton": Great acting, great script, great directing, so-so movie. Maybe I expected a little more action or -- crazy idea for a movie about lawyers -- some courtroom drama. I hate to say this, because I love George Clooney, but this was boring. For a psychological "thriller," it was missing all the thrills. But did I mention George Clooney was in it?

"Little Children": You know how there are movies you want to watch but don't actually want to sit and watch them? This was one of those movies. It just looked so Boring with a capital B. It turned out to be the exact opposite. In fact, two days after watching it, I find myself still thinking about it, wondering what happened to those characters. To me, that's the mark of a great movie -- one that makes you want to know more, to follow the lives of the characters as if they were real. Kate Winslet is amazing, as usual. She really is one of the most talented actresses around. And Patrick Wilson -- what a revelation! I'd never seen him before, but now I want -- need -- to see everything he's in. It didn't hurt that you see him naked ... several times. What a nice ass. Ok, now I sound like a perv. But seriously, it's a gem of a movie. Rent it. Do it, do it.

"Notes on a Scandal": Cate Blanchett and Judi Dench. Even if the plot weren't there (which it is) and the acting wasn't there (which it is), it would be worth it to see these two actresses go toe to toe. It's like a cage match of great acting! They are both superb, and the storyline is quite interesting. And bonus points for Cate for making what could have been an unappealing role seem real. Actually, the same goes for Judi Dench. (Sorry, she's a dame -- I can't refer to her by just her first name. I think it's illegal or something.)

I don't have Venereal Disease.

Now that I have your attention, let me give you a brief update on my hand. Besides the aforementioned VD, I also do not have gout, Lyme disease, lupus and about 17 other things the doctor tested me for. In fact, my bloodwork came through clear. Great, right? Yeah, except we still don't know what the heck is up with my hand.

I feel a little like a patient on "House," but we're now just going to try stuff until it sticks. First up is medication to treat arthritis. Actually, it's primarily used to treat cholitis, but also helps with arthritis. Why cholitis? Isn't that some sort of intestinal issue? Yes, yes it is. But in rare cases (uh, that would be me), cholitis can cause localized arthritis six months to a year before the cholitis would present itself. Look, at some point, I gotta take the leap of faith and trust the guy with the white coat and medical degree, because I just don't get it.

Anyways, this medication has a couple of side effects. One is anorexia (fingers crossed!). Another is orange skin. Great. I should totally hook up with that blue dude.



If nothing else, we'd make the ultimate Mets fan.

Well, it's only day three of the pills, and no orange skin or anorexia yet, but I'm holding out hope.

Maria Diarrhea's Moviewatch:

"The Game Plan": Two words: The. Rock. Was there ever a finer specimen of a man? And is there anything he can't do? He can wrestle, he can (sorta) act, and, as we find out in this movie, he can sing. Granted, there's not much else to this movie, so if you're a guy, you can -- and probably will -- skip it. But ladies, even if you're not into the "famous, egotistical, non-kid-loving man finds out he has a daughter he never knew about" movies, this is kinda cute. And it's got The Rock. So come on, what more do you want? Rent it. Rent it now. And make sure you have a steady stream of tissues for the drool.

"3:10 to Yuma": I've been wanting to see this, like, forever, and I was not disappointed. I'm not a huge Russell Crowe fan -- as in, Russell Crowe the person; I'm ok with the actor -- but he's fantastic in this movie. It's saying something that he's just as good as Christian Bale, one of my favorite actors. I wish they would just make movies together all the time. I'll have more of "The Christian and Russell Show," please. And it's a really good movie, to boot. Without giving anything away, let me just say that it also has the perfect ending. Actually, I couldn't find fault with any part of this movie -- everything was just spot on. On a side note, though, I have to say that I would totally not do well living in Wild West times. A frontier lady I'm not. I mean, gosh, did they ever take a bath? Gross. Not even The Rock would look hot.

Do you ever feel like you just want to make a major change in your life, but you're (a) scared to do anything, or (b) not even sure what it is you want to do?

I feel that way right now. I want to change several aspects of my life, but I'm not entirely sure to what. I'd like a new job -- something that doesn't involve constant deadlines or managing staff -- but I'm scared to start something new, or worried that I'm not going to make as much as I do now. Actually, I would like an entirely new career. I was thinking about teaching, but I'd have to go back to school to get certified, it would involve an entirely new skillset, yada yada yada. There's always some excuse.

I've been thinking about moving away, too. But there's a bunch of stuff holding me back there, too.

I'm not someone who likes change, so it's hard to embrace it, even if it would be a positive step forward. But I think I'm at the point where I need big change to happen. I need a new career. I need new surroundings. I need a new life, pretty much. Now the question is, how do I go about getting one, and what should go first?

I know I can't be the only one who's ever experienced this, so if you are -- or were -- in the same boat, let me know what you did ... or didn't do. I'm open to all ideas, even the stupid ones. ;-)

I'm going to London! Woo hoo!

Neets told me about a great deal Virgin Atlantic is having on round-trip tickets to London, so we decided to just take a few days and go. The whole trip is only $450 -- on premium class! -- so I just couldn't say no to that.

We're going in mid-March. I'm so excited, I'm already packing my bags! :-)

So today is Ash Wednesday, the first day of Lent, which means I have to decide on what to give up this year.

I usually give up chocolate, but seeing as how I sneaked in a piece this morning, that's pretty much a no-go. I think I've pretty much decided on red meat. I've been wanting to eat less meat anyway, ever since I heard that reducing your meat intake to one day per week is one of the actions that has the most impact on our environment. So not only do I fulfill my Lenten duties, but I also help Mother Earth. Sweet!

Now I just have to decide how I'll live without bacon. Mmmmm, bacon. Turkey bacon doesn't count as red meat, does it? Because if so, I'm cooked. (No pun intended.)

I could always take the easy road and give up mushrooms...

Well, I had all hopes of listing my favorite ads from the Super Bowl. Unfortunately, Big Brother had a different idea. I was called to jury duty this week. I was excused, so I don't have to serve, but it effectively threw my entire weekly schedule into a tizzy. Needless to say, I didn't get a chance to make the list, and it's kinda late now. It's old news, baby, old news. Oh well.

At least the Giants won! :-)

It's been a while since I gave a hand update, so here goes.

I went to the rheumatologist yesterday. Remember how the hand surgeon said I had trigger finger on my index finger and a torn ligament on my thumb, but I thought he was wrong? Well, the rheumatologist, Dr. S, agrees with me. Yay! I'm not crazy! (Well, at least not about this...)

Anyway, he said that it's highly unlikely that that's what is wrong with my fingers. It's more likely that it's some type of arthritis. Actually, he said it could be:

Rheumatoid arthritis
Osteoarthritis
Gout
Lupus
Lyme Disease
Psoriasis

Yeah. Wow. That's a whole lot of options right there. Some of them are interesting. Gout? Really? And psoriasis -- isn't that some kind of skin condition? Believe it or not, though, if there's a "perfect storm" of conditions, such benign diseases might react by inflaming tissues and might cause the hand problems I've been having. Quite interesting, indeed.

I'm having bloodwork done this week to either rule out or confirm the above conditions. Honestly, I just want to know either way. It's been seven months -- seven loooooong months -- and it'd be really nice to just have an answer as to what the heck is going on. And it's a sad state of affairs when Lyme Disease would be the best option, huh?

Ah, the joys of getting older. Ain't aging grand?

Maria Diarrhea's Moviewatch:

I know, I've been watching a lot of movies lately. I'd like to blame it on the writers strike, but it's probably more because I don't have a life. Either way, you win!

"Untraceable": Grey, you definitely don't want to watch this one. Actually, that pretty much goes for everyone else. It's a good concept, as far as semi-scary thrillers go, but the delivery leaves you wanting. It's missing something. I don't know what -- hey, I'm not a filmmaker -- but it could have been really good and instead it's just eh.

"The Last King of Scotland": I've wanted to watch this for a while, but it was one of those movies that always seemed to be pushed down on the list whenever a new one came out. I'm glad I finally saw it, but it was disturbing, more so because it's true. Idi Amin was one sick, crazy dude, and I can see why Forest Whitaker won the Oscar. But for me, James McAvoy made the movie. He was absolutely amazing and really made you understand how an "innocent" person could buy into Amin's story and charm, and nearly become just like him. Two thumbs up. (Yes, even the bad thumb.)

"Superman Returns": Yes, I know I'm a couple of years behind, but this is another one of those movies that got put off and off. It wasn't half bad. I couldn't really see Brandon Routh in the role until I saw the movie, then realized he was perfect in the role. I think he did Superman proud. But I still can't get over the whole Clark-Kent-in-glasses thing -- you know, that they can't tell it's Superman because he's got glasses on. Or that he can just rip off his clothes and he's got his Superman outfit, complete with a cape, underneath. Or that no one questions why Clark seems to be gone every single time Superman's there. I know, I've got to let it go, but it's a big reason why I was never into the whole Superman thing. Like my sister said, if he'd just wear the Zorro mask, it'd be fine. Still, the movie was ok.

"We Are Marshall": I'm not a football fan, but for some reason I love football movies, and this was a really good one. Based on the true story of a Texas town that lost its entire college football team in a plane accident in the early '70s, it's a typical sports story -- team struggles, team comes back from diversity, team and town learn life lesson -- but the fact that it's based on a true story makes it much more poignant. I'm also not a huge fan of Matthew McConaughey, but he's pretty good here. Now Matthew Fox -- wowza. Not only is he a total fox, but dude can really act. He made the movie for me. And yes, I cried. What of it?

Speaking of football, the Super Bowl is this Sunday. You know what that means -- commercials! I'll have my annual report of my faves shortly thereafter. I know, you're excited now, aren't you?

Maria Diarrhea's Moviewatch:

"The Bucket List": I love Morgan Freeman, but I'm not a big fan of Jack Nicholson. To me, he's a slightly less hammy Al Pacino but a more talented Harrison Ford. It's not that he's not a talented actor -- he is. I think that, just like Ford, he has a knack for picking the same roles over and over, and those roles seem to suit his talents best. He was great in "The Departed," but he was again playing the same role he always seems to play. One notable exception from recent memory was "As Good as it Gets." That was one time I watched him and thought, "man, he was good." Ok, I also really liked "Something's Gotta Give" -- in fact, I loved that movie -- but that was despite the fact he was in it. I love Diane Keaton, and the story really reverberated for me.

But I digress. I really enjoyed "The Bucket List." Yes, it plays on your heartstrings. And yes, it's pretty much contrived, sugary shlock and you know exactly where the plot is going. But it was good, clean fun. I laughed, I cried. And cried. And cried. (I'm such a sucker.) I recommend it, but it's safe to rent it when it comes out on DVD. There's no real need to rush out and see it in the theater.

A movie you should see in a theater, however, is "Cloverfield." I knew very little about it -- just a vague outline of the plot and the fact that J.J. Abrams was involved. I'm glad I didn't know more. It took me by surprise just how much I liked this movie. I won't reveal anything about the plot, because I think it's more fun if you don't know what it's about, but if you've watched Abrams' "Lost," you know it's not all what it seems at first. If you can put up with the movie's first annoying 20 minutes, you'll be pleasantly surprised. I did get a little queasy at the camerawork. I understand why directors use handheld cameras to convey a sense of movement and realism, but dang, it was thisclose to making me sick! I had to close my eyes several times just to get my equilibrium back. All in all, though, it was worth it. "Cloverfield" is an original movie with some great ideas and funny dialogue. And that's all I'm gonna say about that.

Coming soon (or as soon as the powers-that-be release these on DVD): "Michael Clayton," "Reservation Road" and "3:10 to Yuma." I'm open to other suggestions...

So my colleague Chris, he of the men's engagement ring fame, wanted me to set the record straight regarding the "Office" DVDs I've been watching.

I did not rent them, as I deceptively claimed. I borrowed them from Chris, who will from now on be known as "Poopyhead." And yes, I know he will read this. And no, I don't care, because he is a poopyhead.

So we had our office holiday party last week (you know, after the holidays) at a Barolo, a really nice restaurant in the Village. If you're in the City and want to have a nice Italian dinner, I recommend this place. (And no, they didn't pay me to say that.)

The food was really good, and served buffet style. For appetizers, we had crostini with salmon and roasted red pepper spread; goat cheese puffs; shots of buttersquash soup garnished with lobster; rosemary chicken tenders on a skewer with peppers; and beef tenderloin on a skewer. I think there was a mushroom appetizer or two in there, but I passed on those (natch). For dinner, we had penne alla vodka; spinach ravioli; risotto with wine sauce and grapes; Chilean sea bass with tomato, black olive and caper sauce; carved roast beef; roasted potatoes; mixed veggies; asparagus; and two types of salad. Then, for dessert, they brought a plate of mini-pastries to each table -- I was so good, I only had three, but trust me, I could have eaten the whole plate!

I didn't take my camera with me, but I was still able to wrangle some pics from other partygoers. I could not let this posting go without showing you this:



Ahh, the antler lady. God bless her. But hey, if nothing else, she's got the holiday spirit.

Here's a pic of the gorgeous gals in my department:



From left to right, it's Tasha, Vanessa, moi and Heather.

Don't you wish you worked with us? Don't ya?

So remember the puzzle I got for Christmas that I was so excited about -- the one of the U.S. Capitol building?

Folks, it nearly killed me. (Hey, maybe that was the whole idea? Nah, my mom loves me ... I think.)

Anyway, it took me six days to finish the darn thing. And we're talking about more than an hour at a time -- sometimes closer to two.

I was just about to give up on doing it when everything clicked, literally. I was able to connect two pieces that made me realize how everything worked, and it just snowballed from there.



It's kinda neat, actually, and I'm definitely going to get another one. I'm just gonna give it a little while ...

Click here to see my road to near-insanity.

Maria Diarrhea's Moviewatch

"No Country for Old Men": I don't want to give too much away, so I'll keep the description brief. The movie takes place in the 1980s in Texas. When a hunter (Josh Brolin, in what may be the best performance of his career) stumbles upon a drug deal gone wrong, he is tracked by a vicious, psychopathic killer (a brilliant Javier Bardem). Right behind them is a local sheriff (Tommy Lee Jones -- love him!), who's trying to catch the killer and save the hunter. The movie is really well done, if a little slow-moving, and I can see why it's on a lot of critics' Top 10 lists. Be warned, though: it's pretty gory. I watched most of the movie through my fingers. If you're squeamish, you might want to pass on this one.

"National Treasure: Book of Secrets": This is the sequel to "National Treasure," which I did also see in the theater and which was surprisingly good. In this movie, historian/treasure hunter Ben Gates is told that his great-great grandfather was complicit in Abraham Lincoln's assassination and tries to clear his great-great grandfather's name. To do this, he must follow clues that take him around the world. It's a mix of "The Da Vinci Code" and "Indiana Jones." It can be a bit cheesy, and you have to suspend disbelief at times, but it's thoroughly enjoyable.

"Superbad": It was superbad. I laughed more during "National Treasure."

"Infamous": I rented this one, and am so glad I did. It tells the story of writer Truman Capote, who in 1959 went to a small Kansas town to research his book "In Cold Blood," about two convicted murderers. I knew Capote was a writer, but that's about all I knew. Now I want to know more. Capote is played by Toby Jones, whom I've never heard of before (but have since found out he is the voice of Dobby in "Harry Potter"!). He is fantastic in this role. And Sandra Bullock is really good as Capote's friend Harper Lee. I know "Capote," another film that came out before this one, got all the accolades, but I haven't seen that one (though now I plan to). I thoroughly recommend this one. I thought it'd be boring, but it's not. If you've got a couple of hours and don't have anything else to watch, give this one a shot.

"The Marine": Ok, don't blame me for this one. My sister rented it and I was bored... It's total cheese. The plot is stupid, the acting is awful, it's entire predictable and completely ridiculous. But you know what? I enjoyed it. It's totally mindless fun.

"The Office": So I know this isn't a movie, but I wanted to catch up on the TV series. I never get to watch it live because it's opposite two shows I watch religiously, so I rented the first two seasons on DVD. If you've seen the British version with the genius Ricky Gervais, you'll like the American version. (And if you haven't seen the British version with the genius Ricky Gervais, what are you waiting for? Rent it. Now.) This show cracks me up. It's uncomfortable to watch sometimes; I often find myself cringing with embarrassment for some of the people. But I guess that's the point. I'm just glad I don't work there!

So that's it, that's my first Maria Diarrhea Moviewatch. Let me know if there are any movies you think I absolutely have to watch. From what I can tell, the writers' strike isn't going to end any time soon, so I have plenty of free time on my hands.

There was a time when I'd go to the movie theater once, sometimes twice, a week. I loved everything about it -- watching the movie on a giant screen, getting away from life for a little while, the popcorn ...

But somewhere over the last couple of years, I've really soured on it. People are too loud and annoying. There are usually too many kids. And you have to mortgage your house just to buy the ticket.

So little by little, I stopped going and started renting DVDs instead. I would rent about two or three a week and just sit on the couch with a big bowl of popcorn, a box of Goobers and a bag of Twizzlers (and, of course, a diet soda...)

But then I even stopped that, because that started getting expensive, too, and I was in serious danger of becoming a hermit. And let's face it, as you get older, your attention span isn't quiet what it used to be. What? You want me to watch something for two hours straight?

But thanks to the WGA strike, I've rediscovered my love of movies.

Since the strike (go, writers!), there hasn't really been anything to watch on TV. I could pick up a book, but the Harry Potter series is over and there's just so many James Patterson books a girl can read. So instead of taking the opportunity to expand my cultural horizons (bo-ring), I've been catching up on movies instead.

Until the strike is over -- at which point I'll lock myself in the house for a week straight and make mad, passionate love to my remote control -- I have no choice but to explore the best (and worst) offerings of the silver screen, and I'll share my thoughts on them with you. I'm not an art-house chick, so don't be surprised to see some low-brow flicks on the list. To me, if the movie makes me laugh, cry or hungry, it's done its job.

I shared some reviews with you last week, but I've decided to make it a standard feature with a cool new name, Maria Diarrhea's Moviewatch. I know, I'm brilliant.

So watch out for more reviews, coming soon.