Wow. What a train-wreck show. That shiz was crazy!

I could go into each performance, but really, the only thing anyone is talking about today is PaulaGate.

The night started off rather uneventfully, with Ryan telling us this week's mentor would be none other than Neil Diamond. Love him! (Ooh, David Cook, please sing "Sweet Caroline." Pretty please. No? Bummer. That would have been awesome.)

Ryan said everyone would sing two songs. That's 10 performances in one hour. Too much! Frankly, I'm surprised they didn't take advantage of the two-song format to stretch the show out even more. They do love their extra-long shows. And it's not like anyone would miss "Hell's Kitchen."

Because of the two-songs-per-person format, the show felt extremely rushed. Far from the professionally staged show "Idol" usually puts on, this felt like amateur hour. Honestly, I think my high school put on a more organized talent show back in the ... oh, dates are irrelevant.

And then there was PaulaGate. There are a few theories on what the hell happened: 1) Paula watched the dress rehearsal the night before and so had a good idea of how the contestants would do; 2) the producers feed the judges (or maybe even just Paula) lines of what they're supposed to say, presumably so they can somewhat control which contestants get eliminated or get to stay; 3) Paula's a freakin' looneyhead.

Now, #3 is a given. And #1 doesn't bother me too much. I don't have a problem with judges seeing the performances in dress rehearsals, as long as they don't use that performance as the basis for their critique. They should only judge the actual performance on the night of the show. So if #1 were true, I'd be upset, but it wouldn't make me stop watching the show forever.

However, #2 would. But really, would it be that surprising if it were true? Do we really believe there isn't an inordinate amount of manipulation going on behind the scenes anyway? The producers have their hand in everything. What's to stop them from telling the judges -- or Paula, anyway -- what to say? But if that's the case, she's doing a horrible job of delivering it. She never makes any sense. And if they are feeding her lines, they should fire the illiterate who's telling her what to say.

Whatever the reason, I firmly believe that all the craziness was completely unfair to Jason. Imagine having to perform your song after a judge told you they hated it. "Look, I know you haven't sung it yet, but you're going to suck. But hey, good luck!"

I want them to come on tonight and say that what happened yesterday was a mistake. That even though Jason got the lowest number of votes, they won't vote him off and they'll all get another chance next week. I want that to happen, but it won't, because "Idol" never admits its mistakes.

So I fear for Jason. Well, not enough to vote for him, but I'd hate to see that goofy grin go. Plus, who's gonna eat all those brownies when he's gone?

I have a new obsession: Discovery Channel's "Deadliest Catch."

I know, how interesting can a TV show about fishing be? Turns out, pretty darn interesting. I'm totally and completely obsessed. Thanks to a marathon viewing, I watched hours and hours of it this weekend.

I love how the captains have superstitions -- like biting the head off a herring before the first day of the season (gross!) -- and they take them very seriously. And I mean very. One captain considered turning around and heading back when he realized no one had eaten the ritual Cup-a-Soup before they lowered the first pot.

It's also interesting to see how the men interact with each other when it's just guys on a boat (or is it a ship?) in the open sea, with no women around for miles and nautical miles.

My favorite captain is Sig "I want my crab count and I want it NOW!" Hansen:



I have to admit that I do have a little bit of a crush on him, bad haircut and all. I'm sure I'd get used to the fish smell, right?

"Hallelujah, hallelujah, halleloooo ... ooh ooh ooh ... ooh ooh jah!"

Jason made it (he wasn't even in the bottom two!), and boy did that kid me laugh. From his yawning backstage when Ryan said "Find out which of the remaining four contestants will be in the bottom two," to his "choo choo" arm gesture when Randy said his performance the night before was a train wreck, to his screaming "yeah!" then slowly backing up when Ryan said Carly was going to perform her song again. He was soooo stoned. At least, I hope he was, or his behavior is really, truly crazy.

But I digress. Jason, Brooke and David Cook are safe (yay!). Archie is, too (yawn). Syesha barely made it (whatevs). And Carly's a goner (sad, but not very).

And how about that Leona Lewis, eh? I really like that tune, and that girl can sing! Hey, maybe Simon really does know his stuff after all ...

Oh, Jason. Sweet, little, dreadlocked Jason. I'm going to miss you.

That was painful last night, huh? I was rooting for him, I really was. You know I love him. But man, even I can admit that was bad. He did get the best line of the night -- "I didn't know it was a cat singing it" -- but that was pretty much the high point for him.

I think Syesha did really well, though, turning in her best performance yet. Same goes for Carly. I'm not her biggest fan, but she finally showed some personality and actually looked she might be having fun.

I wish I could say the same for Brooke. Gosh dang it. I loves me some Brooke, but it was just so painful to watch. She wasn't horrible. Ok, yes, she was. I felt so bad for her. I don't think she'll go home this week -- that honor belongs to Jason -- but her downward spiral in the last few weeks has made me fear for her sanity. Doesn't she look so fragile? She's totally losing it before our eyes. I'm hoping, though, that it might ultimately help her get past this week, with people voting for her out of pity. One holds on to whatever hope one can find.

The person I wish people would stop voting for is Archie. Now, now -- don't look at me like I just clubbed a baby seal. Yes, he's got a nice, pure voice. Yes, he's sweet and all that. But come on, would you really buy his album? Really? You'd cough up some of that money you've been saving up to buy a Venti Triple Mocha Latte to hear Archie sing what essentially amounts to a second-rate Clay Aiken tune? I didn't think so.

We all know Cook's gonna take the whole thing anyway.

As for tonight's results, I see Syesha, Jason and Brooke in the bottom three, with Jason going home. It pains me to say it, but I fear it might be true.

You know how there are days when things are going great? You had a good night's sleep, you woke up without any back pain, you weighed yourself and were not disgusted by the number staring back at you? Those days are wonderful. So wonderful you just know the other shoe is gonna drop.

Well, the shoe dropped, and it made a whole hell of a lot of noise.

I went to my house this weekend, to say hi to my tenants and get this month's rent. My tenants are great -- they're responsible, they don't bug me all the time, and they're just genuinely nice people. I don't really have any problem with them at all. I like them a lot.

And then this morning, they dropped a bomb on me. There's mold in the house. And not just in one little corner -- it's like all over. It's in the closet of their little girl's bedroom, there's some in the bathroom, some seems to be spreading to the living room. And the walls in the bedroom are obviously water-damaged. They're going to have to be torn down and replaced, no doubt. I'm going to call a mold remediator today, and I should likely call a roofer, too, to see if there's a problem with the roof (which, by the way, is only three years old...). Needless to say, this is going to cost me a buttload. And I have a big butt.

So yeah, whenever you have those days where you think, "My, isn't the sun especially warm and bright today?" or "Mmm, these pancakes taste especially delicious today," just hope that other shoe doesn't drop. Because if you're like me, you'll find yourself being hit on the head with a steel-toed work boot.

Sigh.

Not only am I rarely wrong, but I don't admit it even when I am. But today, my friends, I have no problem admitting I was wrong about Carly getting voted off, and that's because Miss Kristy Lee Cook is out. Gone, baby, gone!

I should feel bad for being happy she's gone, because all she -- all any of the contestants -- are trying to do is live out their dream. Do we really have cause to hate her? Is she a horrible person? Did she kill a kitten? Is she feasting off the blood of live bats? Unlikely. She just wasn't the best singer, that's all. But props to her for trying for it and continuing week after week, even when it was completely apparent she had not a snowball's chance in hell of winning.

I do fear for Brooke, though. She's been in the bottom two twice already, and I'm worried next week might do her in. And, to be honest, she's starting to grate on my nerves a little -- don't worry, Grey, not a lot ... just a smidge, a teaspoon's worth, if you will.

Oh, and Diego, do I need to point out that Jason was not even in the bottom three? Take that!

Wow. I never thought I'd say this -- never in a million, billion, googillion years thought I would say this: I am now a fan of David Cook.

There, I said it. It was a little hard to get out, but I said it. I am now in David's corner -- if still a little reluctantly.

Let's face it, the guys blew the girls out of the water last night. True, the girls had to put up with the inevitable Mariah comparison, but not one of them even come close to David's performance -- or even Jason's, for that matter. (All you Castro haters, don't even...)

I'm hoping Kristy Lee goes home tonight, but it'll probably be Carly. Syesha should be safe, since Mariah music is her thing and she sang it well. But Carly, poor Carly -- she's like the human punching bag for this show. No matter what she does or sings to please the judges, they just keep knocking her down. If she doesn't go this week, she definitely will soon.

I'm more worried about Brooke, though. Her performance was so tentative this week. For once, I agreed with Randy (dawg!) -- when she faltered toward the end, she sped up on the piano and that threw her completely off. The end did seem rushed. I really like Brooke, though, so I hope she stays for at least another week. I mean, how much would it suck to miss your sister's wedding by just one week? I hope Brooke fans stepped up and voted for her. Keep the "sunshine ray" (as Carly would call her) on and get rid of the lesser Cook, will ya?

Either way, I guess we'll find out tonight. Think good thoughts, Jason Castro and David Cook fans ... think lots of good thoughts.

I know, I know, I haven't posted in over a week. Between work, school and getting through one painful leg day after another, I haven't had much time to do anything; ergo, I have no stories for you.

I do want to say, though, how much I abhor "American Idol." It's not that I'm surprised by its crass commercialization (really, is that a shock to anyone?). It's not even that I'm annoyed at their group performance of "Shout to the Lord" (imagine the backlash had one of the singers not wanted to participate: "What? You hate Jesus?!?"). What really, really got my panties in a bunch -- and not in a good way -- was Ryan Seacrest.

I've always had the suspicion that Seacrest didn't really give two sh*ts about those kids, that he'd sell them out for a stick of butter and two packs of Camel Lights. But he sunk to an all-new low last night: "Last year, we didn't eliminate anyone during Idol Gives Back week. This year..." he said, giving the contestants one last flicker of hope -- "...we say goodbye to Michael Johns."

What an ass! (Seacrest, not Johns.) And you know he enjoys it.

I know I'm getting too worked up over this. It's just a TV show, for crissakes. I know that. But all its cheesiness and craptasticness is not the contestants' fault. It's the show that's one big walking commercial for Coke and Ford. It's the show's producers who come up with those stupid themes, edit the clip packages and make the contestants do the group singalongs. The singers are just trying to live their dream and make it as musicians. Hey, if I could sing, I would have totally tried out for Idol in my 20s (which would have been, ahem, last year...). Last night just got to me, and not just because I had Johns in the office pool to take the whole thing. I can pretty much be sure I won't be winning that pool.

And for those who would say, "Why don't you just not watch it?" I'd say, you're right. So I won't be watching it anymore ... right after this season's over. Go Jason Castro!

Maria Diarrhea's Moviewatch:

It was a slow weekend in terms of movie-watching, thanks to my stupid sciatica kicking in. But I think I paid close-enough attention to these films to rate them:

"We Own the Night": Joaquin Phoenix and Mark Wahlberg (sans the Funky Bunch) star in this tale of two brothers who, naturally, are on different sides of the law. Wahlberg is good as the cop, but Phoenix really shines as the "criminal." I put "criminal" in quotes because he never really does anything illegal, besides smoke some pot. Oooooh, watch out for him! Anyhoo, it's a good-enough film, but not something you absolutely have to see.

"Dan in Real Life": Now this one you really should see. It's such a nice movie. Steve Carrell is great as a widowed dad who has given up on finding love, then starts to fall in love with a woman (Juliette Binoche) who just happens to be the new girlfriend of his brother (Dane Cook). It's a little convoluted, and I didn't really buy Binoche as Cook's girlfriend, but the script and performances make up for the lapse in storyline. I have to admit, though, that I have a tough time separating Steve Carrell from his "The Office" character. Everything he does is so Michael Scott-ish. It's not a bad thing; I'm just sayin'.

I also caught "8 MM" on TV. It stars Nicolas Cage and Joaquin Phoenix. Cage's character is a detective who's hired to find out whether a "snuff" film found in a deceased politician's safe is the real thing -- as in, was the person in the film really killed, or was it all just for show? It's an interesting premise, but the movie turns out to be pure crap -- just an excuse to show sexual deviants doing sexually deviant stuff. (Yes, I know I sound like a prude. Trust me, I'm not -- this movie is just that crappy.) Anyway, it's an older movie (Oh, lord ... now even I'm considering '90s movies old -- what does that make me?!?). Well, I don't know why I even bothered watching it, except that it was on HBO and there was absolutely nothing else on TV. There's nothing remotely interesting about this movie. I don't particularly like Cage to begin with, but I do like Joaquin Phoenix and thought I'd give it a looky-loo. Really, the movie stunk. No need to see this if you haven't already.

And that's this week's edition of Maria Diarrhea's Moviewatch. Stay tuned next week for (I hope) "There Will Be Blood" and "Into the Wild." I might also see "The Kite Runner," though that's iffy because I read the book and don't want to ruin that memory of it. We'll see. I'm sure you'll be waiting with bated breath.