Claudia and David

They're so cute, I could just eat them up!

To see more, click here.

I've found my long-lost sister!!!

BERLIN (Reuters) -- A German woman was so shocked by a spider crawling across her face that she lost control of her car and crashed head on into a roadside tree.

The 23-year-old woman screamed and let go of the steering wheel, causing her small car to veer off the road into the tree. The car was totally destroyed but the woman escaped with only slight injuries.

"She was shocked by the spider crawling on her face and lost control of her car," said the spokesman for the police in the small town near the Dutch border. The spider survived, he said. "He crawled out of the window."

The Aristocrats." Oh my.

For those of you unfamiliar with "The Aristocrats" -- not to be confused with "The Aristocats," a fine, family-friendly film -- it's a documentary created by comedians Paul Provenza and Penn Jillette (of Penn & Teller) in which more than 100 comedians explore a joke that, until now, was told only to other comedians.

The basic premise of the joke is this: A guy walks into an agent's office and says, "Have I got a family act for you." Then the whole middle of the joke is improvised by the comedian, in which he/she tries to come up with a "family act" that will be more shocking and disgusting than any of the other comedians' -- everything from people swimming in each other's feces and vomit, to incest and rape -- you know, all the fun things in life. Then the punchline of the joke is: The agent asks, "What's the name of this act?" And the guy says, "The Aristocrats!"

Get it? Get it? Yeah, neither did I. As jokes go, it's pretty lame. I read about it and thought, how funny can this movie be?

Well, it was easily the most vulgar, disgusting, obscene movie I've ever seen. It was also one of the funniest. Maybe it's just me, but hearing Bob Saget riff on the pleasures of screwing someone's eye socket ... that's comedy, people. I don't know if that indicates there's something seriously wrong with me, but I could not stop laughing. Indeed, I'm going to have to watch the movie a second time to get the parts I missed because I was laughing too much.

Does that scare me a little? Yes. Will I watch it again anyway? Yes. Will I let me 7-year-old niece watch it? Hell to the no!

Say cheese ... pizza.

Today was Sarah's last night hanging out with us in L.I., so we took her out for pizza. Good luck with everything, Sarah. We'll miss having you around! Although the microzooplankton will probably be happy to see you go...

My new favorite song: “You’re Beautiful” by James Blunt.

Never heard of this guy before, but now I’ve got to run out and buy his album (or at least download the single onto my iPod).

If you haven’t heard it, you have to listen to it. Have to. His voice is less than perfect, but he sings with such feeling and longing that it actually makes the song better. Think: Joe Cocker, but younger and less spastic.

"And for my first act as president, a constitutional amendment for ... more cowbell!"

http://walken2008.com

Spain, Summer 2005

Finally, here's a link to the Spain 2005 summer photos. To view, click here. Sorry about the poor quality. Next year, with my brand-new Kodak digital camera, I'll be able to take more and better pics.

I just discovered Jack radio (here in NY, it’s on WCBS 101.1).

Man, this s*** is bananas. It’s like an iPod Shuffle, but better, because there are songs you might want to hear once, but don’t necessarily want to buy.

For example, I purchased “Come on Eileen” -- it’s one of those fun songs that bring back good memories. But there’s a reason it’s not played often anymore, and that’s because it’s annoying after hearing it more than, oh, say, 200 times. Now I find myself skipping it most of the time, and wishing I had that $.99 back to purchase something else.

That’s the good think about Jack -- you get to hear songs you haven’t heard in a while, but you don’t hear them so often you get sick of them.

Another great thing about Jack radio is the variety of music they play. It’s like a radio station with multiple personalities. And it’s wonderful.

I, and most people I know, have varying tastes in music. I like rap, pop, country, alternative, Latin -- pretty much anything but really heavy metal. This morning, Jack’s songs included:

Young MC, “Bust a Move”
Scorpions, “No One Like You”
Chumbawumba, “Tubthumping”
Bruce Springsteen, “Glory Days”
Maroon 5, “Sunday Morning”
AC/DC, “Back in Black”
James Brown, “Super Bad”
Alanis Morissette, “You Oughta Know”
Green Day, “Longview”
U2, “Pride (In the Name of Love)”

So you get a little taste of all these different types of music, and you never get bored. I mean, I’m not going to buy Rockwell’s “Somebody’s Watching Me,” but it’s cool to hear it again … once.

I didn't even realize I knew an R.G.D., but how does he know so much about me?!?

Beans
By R.G.D.

Maria Diarrhea
Had it awfully bad
She never left the house
And was terribly sad

Her mother said it was
The germs on her plate
Her brother said it was
The monkey brains she ate

Her father said “It’s a stage
It will pass”
Her sister gagged and said
She had the stinkiest gas

Maria Diarrhea
Did not want to be rude
But all along she knew
It was because of
That magical food.

The Top 10 Reasons I Wish Summer Were Over:

10. It’s 80° at 6 a.m.
9. Pasty skin = no tan lines
8. Fall fashions … time to shop!
7. No more landscaping fees -- more money for shopping
6. Only three months ‘til Christmas
5. I’m not in Spain, so what’s the point?
4. Lots of upcoming holidays
3. Less-frequent waxing
2. My no-TV-during-summer rule

And the No. 1 reason I wish summer were over…

1. Mosquitoes and spiders and flies, oh my!

This guy's got a whole lot of 'splainin to do...

ROME (Reuters) – A Macedonian man left his wife at an Italian service station and only realized he had driven off without her six hours later.

The couple, who were traveling with their 4-year-old daughter, pulled over for gas in the coastal city of Pesaro as they were heading back to their home in Germany.

After filling the tank, the husband drove away – without noticing that his 30-year-old wife had gotten out of the car to go to the toilet.

The woman, who had no money or documents with her, contacted the police, who eventually traced her husband to Milan, some 210 miles north of Pesaro.

The husband told police he hadn’t missed his wife because she always sat in the back of the car with their daughter.

Sweetbreads: neither sweet nor bread.

Discuss.

Am I the only one who wishes Harry Potter were real so I could adopt him?

Yes? Okay then.

Maybe my expectations were too high, but I didn't find "Wedding Crashers" to be "the funniest movie I've ever seen."

That's no to say it wasn't funny -- it was. Watching Vince Vaughn (now an established Long Islander, I pronounce his last name "vaw-on") deliver his lines in a way that would make Jeff Goldblum green with envy was the most enjoyable film experience in quite a while. And Owen Wilson, mugging in his I'm-so-ugly-I'm-cute way, was endearing. But I can count on one hand the number of times I actually guffawed.

The funniest part of the movie for me was the moment when, during a quiet moment in the movie, my sister let out a loud-ass belch. I laughed harder at that than I did at the movie.

I recommend the movie -- as much as I do any movie featuring any member of the "Frat Pack" -- but you can definitely wait for the DVD.

"Wedding Crashers": B+
Laura's burp: A++

Today is my birthday. I won't reveal which one.

Aging sucks. Of course, the alternative is worse, so I can't really complain all that much.

You know what I hate? When people say, "You look great for your age." Ouch! I guess it's nice that they say you look great, but for your age? Why not just "You look great"?

You know what else I hate? Being asked if I'm my 22-year-old sister's mother. Sigh... These are the same people who ask overweight women when the baby is due. Folks, think before you speak, okay? Because I may just snap one day. Seriously.

Well, happy freakin' birthday (ahem, 29, right?) to me.