So I gave up chocolate for Lent. I figured the benefits would be twofold: I would fulfill my Catholic obligations; and I would stop eating chocolate, which would help me lose weight.

Here's the problem: Since I can't eat chocolate, I'm eating everything else! Normally, after lunch, I'd have a tiny piece of chocolate -- just enough to fulfill my desire. Now that I can't eat chocolate, I go to the vending machine and buy, say, Twizzlers -- but that doesn't quite do it. So then I go downstairs and buy Reese's Pieces, but that doesn't sate my desire for chocolate. So then I have some pretzels ... You get the picture. I'm going to wind up gaining weight by not eating chocolate!

I hope God's reading this. I need this "sacrifice" to be acknowledged when (if!) I reach the pearly gates...