Ok, I've got a hand update.

Turns out, my hand problem has a name: Trigger Finger, a condition in which one of your fingers catches in a bent position. If it's severe (that's me -- severe), your finger may become locked in a bent position.

Sounds like fun, eh?

Who even knew it existed? And how cool is that name? I mean, it's much better than Nintendo Finger, which is what I would have gone with. Trigger Finger -- it just sounds so ... tough. Makes it sound like I actually do something other than sit on the couch and post on this blog.

Anyhoo, I went to the surgeon, who wanted to try cortisone shots before opting for surgery, which is really the last resort. Frankly, I'd rather have surgery. Have you ever had a cortisone shot?!? Holy canoli, that sucker is painful. The doctor gave me two in my hand. I cried, I screamed, I almost passed out.

I'm supposed to go back in a month to see if I need more shots. Frankly, I don't think I could go through that again -- I really don't.

Oh, and I've also been getting shots in my right foot, thanks to a pinched nerve. But at least that doctor is cute. And I think he's single. Humuna humuna. It might all be worth it, folks.

I'm falling apart, piece by piece...

So I started school this weekend. I don't know what possessed me to think I could handle going to school again. What was I smoking?

It's a really interesting course, and I've already learned a bit, but I'm not as young as I used to be, you know? Where, exactly, am I supposed to find the time -- and energy -- to do all this research and write all these papers? I mean, what do they think it is, a blog? Pshaw.

Anyway, I didn't do anything to embarrass myself ... yet. But have faith. Maria Diarrhea will come through. Give it some time. :-)

Hey, it's Singles Week! Get down with your bad self.

In honor, here are the "The 10 Best Things About Being Single" (Yahoo! News):

1. You can make last-minute plans with your friends and stay out all night if you want.

2. You can lie on both sides of your bed and have all the covers to yourself.

3. You can flirt with the opposite sex without someone saying, "Who are you looking at? Who are you looking at?"

4. You can make your own decisions.

5. You don't have to remember your significant other's birthday or anniversary.

6. You have no one to clean up after.

7. You can leave the toilet seat permanently up if you're a man, or permanently down if you're a woman.

8. You can make a list of things you always wanted to do ... and actually do them.

9. You can listen to your favorite radio station in the car.

10. You can actually hold on to the remote control.

And to that I add:

No in-laws!

So I have a new boss, which, to my surprise and delight, is actually turning out to be quite nice. She's got some good ideas, and she's been very nice to me, letting me leave early if I have stuff to take care of and even letting me work from home if I have a doctor appointment.

Which isn't to say I enjoy working from home. Let me tell you, if I worked from home full-time, I'd be 700 pounds! I have absolutely no self-control. I've come to terms with that. I admit it. I embrace it.

I tell ya, I spent the whole day eating. Ok, I did a little work, but that was only to fill the time between meals. I don't know how people do it. I would spend my whole paycheck just on food, I know it.

And yes, I know I can just not have junk food in the house, but I live two blocks from a deli in either direction, and there are pizzerias and Chinese take-outs galore in my area. And I don't even like Chinese food! That's sad, when you eat food you don't like just because it's there. The only way I could prevent gaining weight would be to move to a neighborhood that had only mushroom shops in the area. Gross.

It's not often that one gets duped by a 5-year-old, but ...

Right before I went to Spain, my nephew asked me if I'd buy him blue Power Ranger gloves. Since he already had two pairs, in red and green, to be exact, I told him no. A few days later, he told me he lost them, and now would I buy it for him. I knew I was totally being suckered, but he's just so cute ...

Anyway, so I told him I'd take him to buy them, but that he'd have to pay for them. I told him they cost $10, which he said he had, and he said okay. His mom called me and told me he didn't have $10; he had 10 coins. Seeing as how the kid's only 5, and again, he's so darn cute, I decided to forego the lesson this time and buy the kid the darn gloves. The only catch was that he had to give me his 10 coins. (Now, don't call me a scrooge -- it's his parents' rules ...)

So I take him to the store, and we get the gloves. When we get back home, he gave me the 10 coins and says, "We're good now, right?" Yes, David, we're good. "I don't owe you anything, right?" Right, we're all set. "Yay! I get to keep my dollars!"

That's right. He had dollars the whole time. He was totally playing into my aw-shucks-isn't-he-so-cute-he-doesn't-know-anything-about-money naivete. Man, I got suckered. He's lucky he looks like this:



You can see it in his eyes, can't you? :-)

Ok, so about my finger ...

Around three months ago (I know, I know), I woke up with a slightly swollen left index finger. I figured it was just a mosquito bite or something, and let it go. Then it got worse (more swollen), then it got better, then it got worse, then it got better, and then it got worse. For the last six weeks or so, my finger is swollen to about twice its size, is bent at the knuckle, and I'm mostly unable to move or straighten it.

So finally I go to the doctor. Turns out, I snapped the tendon that runs from the finger all the way up the arm. Yikes! And ouch! So I have to go talk to a hand surgeon, so he can do more accurate testing and decide the next step.

Of course, I'm not looking forward to surgery, but I gotta do something. It's taken me about twice as long as it normally does just to type this up, since I can't use the finger. (I can, though, still give you the finger, so be nice.)

I've even put off posting this because it would involve typing. And you know anything that keeps me away from this blog is a bad, bad thing. People count on this blog! They want to hear my opinion on things! They want to know what's going on in my life! And silver unicorns are currently planting chocolate trees in my yard!

Anyway, so that's the story with my finger. I'll let you know what ultimately happens.

Ooh, I do have some good news, though: I start school again next weekend. Yes, I said weekend. I'm going back to finish my master's in strategic communications at Seton Hall. I've decided to take a weekend class, which is three full weekends, Saturday-Sunday, from 10 a.m. to 3 p.m. I don't mind giving up three weekends to get the class over with, though -- I've still got about 63 years before I finish, I'm sure.

But anyway, this class is on international communications, so it should be interesting. And just think, I can make a fool of myself in front of a completely new audience. Yay! And I'll be sure to tell you all about it. Double Yay!

The pics are in!

Click here to see photos from my Spain vacation.

I'll have more pics as soon as my sister -- the one who got stuck in the bathroom ... hahahahahahahaha (sorry, Laura ... I should be over this soon!) -- downloads them. She's got the pics of my grandma.

Enjoy!

I'm baaaack.

I had a great time in Spain. It was one of the most relaxing vacations I've had in a long time. I didn't have to work at all, which was a new treat. Total vacay, from beginning to end. I slept a lot, ate way too much, and even got a few days of shopping and eating in. All in all, not too shabby.

I'll have pics soon, but I do have one story to tell. (Sorry, Laura!)

My grandma's house has two bathrooms -- one inside the house, and one in the back house (where she stores her potatoes, veggies and other stuff she gets from her garden). I was taking a nap one afternoon, and I hear my sister, Laura, scream:

Laura: Moooooooommmmmm!
Mom: What?
Laura: I'm locked in the bathroom!
Mom: What?
Laura: I'm locked in the bathroom!
Mom: How'd you get locked in the bathroom?
Laura: I don't know! Just get me out!
Mom: Why'd you lock the door?
Laura: I don't know! I just did! Help me!
Mom: Hahahahahahahahahaha.
Me: Hahahahahahahahahaha.
Grandma: Hahahahahahahahahaha.
Claudia: Hahahahahahahahahaha.
Laura: I can hear you laughing ...
Mom: Why don't you unlock the door?
Laura: Duh. Because it's stuck!
Mom: Hahahahahahahahahaha.
Me: Hahahahahahahahahaha.
Grandma ... oh, you get the picture.

So my mom asks my sister to pass the key under the door, and tries in vein to unlock it. After a few minutes of trying, she decides to try to take the handle off the door. She gets a screwdriver and takes her side off, then passes the screwdriver to my sister via the small window and tells her to unscrew the handle off her side, which she does. No luck. (I won't mention that even without the handle, the door's still locked!)

After laughing for a few more minutes, my mom decides to call my godfather in the next town down to come help. While we're waiting (and laughing some more), my sister says, "Come on ... there are spiders in here." That's when I jumped into action. I took the key, somehow unlocked the door, screwed back the handle and saved my sister from the aforementioned spiders ... though it was too late to save her from her embarrassment, as my godfather and his son were already aware and, I'm sure, were telling the whole story to their entire town. Given everyone in our area is related, you can imagine how much fun this whole thing was for Laura.

Good times.

Anyways, I should have the pics uploaded by the end of the week. I even have a nice one of my non-working finger, splint and all. I'll save that story for my next posting...