I don't have Venereal Disease.

Now that I have your attention, let me give you a brief update on my hand. Besides the aforementioned VD, I also do not have gout, Lyme disease, lupus and about 17 other things the doctor tested me for. In fact, my bloodwork came through clear. Great, right? Yeah, except we still don't know what the heck is up with my hand.

I feel a little like a patient on "House," but we're now just going to try stuff until it sticks. First up is medication to treat arthritis. Actually, it's primarily used to treat cholitis, but also helps with arthritis. Why cholitis? Isn't that some sort of intestinal issue? Yes, yes it is. But in rare cases (uh, that would be me), cholitis can cause localized arthritis six months to a year before the cholitis would present itself. Look, at some point, I gotta take the leap of faith and trust the guy with the white coat and medical degree, because I just don't get it.

Anyways, this medication has a couple of side effects. One is anorexia (fingers crossed!). Another is orange skin. Great. I should totally hook up with that blue dude.



If nothing else, we'd make the ultimate Mets fan.

Well, it's only day three of the pills, and no orange skin or anorexia yet, but I'm holding out hope.

Maria Diarrhea's Moviewatch:

"The Game Plan": Two words: The. Rock. Was there ever a finer specimen of a man? And is there anything he can't do? He can wrestle, he can (sorta) act, and, as we find out in this movie, he can sing. Granted, there's not much else to this movie, so if you're a guy, you can -- and probably will -- skip it. But ladies, even if you're not into the "famous, egotistical, non-kid-loving man finds out he has a daughter he never knew about" movies, this is kinda cute. And it's got The Rock. So come on, what more do you want? Rent it. Rent it now. And make sure you have a steady stream of tissues for the drool.

"3:10 to Yuma": I've been wanting to see this, like, forever, and I was not disappointed. I'm not a huge Russell Crowe fan -- as in, Russell Crowe the person; I'm ok with the actor -- but he's fantastic in this movie. It's saying something that he's just as good as Christian Bale, one of my favorite actors. I wish they would just make movies together all the time. I'll have more of "The Christian and Russell Show," please. And it's a really good movie, to boot. Without giving anything away, let me just say that it also has the perfect ending. Actually, I couldn't find fault with any part of this movie -- everything was just spot on. On a side note, though, I have to say that I would totally not do well living in Wild West times. A frontier lady I'm not. I mean, gosh, did they ever take a bath? Gross. Not even The Rock would look hot.

Do you ever feel like you just want to make a major change in your life, but you're (a) scared to do anything, or (b) not even sure what it is you want to do?

I feel that way right now. I want to change several aspects of my life, but I'm not entirely sure to what. I'd like a new job -- something that doesn't involve constant deadlines or managing staff -- but I'm scared to start something new, or worried that I'm not going to make as much as I do now. Actually, I would like an entirely new career. I was thinking about teaching, but I'd have to go back to school to get certified, it would involve an entirely new skillset, yada yada yada. There's always some excuse.

I've been thinking about moving away, too. But there's a bunch of stuff holding me back there, too.

I'm not someone who likes change, so it's hard to embrace it, even if it would be a positive step forward. But I think I'm at the point where I need big change to happen. I need a new career. I need new surroundings. I need a new life, pretty much. Now the question is, how do I go about getting one, and what should go first?

I know I can't be the only one who's ever experienced this, so if you are -- or were -- in the same boat, let me know what you did ... or didn't do. I'm open to all ideas, even the stupid ones. ;-)

I'm going to London! Woo hoo!

Neets told me about a great deal Virgin Atlantic is having on round-trip tickets to London, so we decided to just take a few days and go. The whole trip is only $450 -- on premium class! -- so I just couldn't say no to that.

We're going in mid-March. I'm so excited, I'm already packing my bags! :-)

So today is Ash Wednesday, the first day of Lent, which means I have to decide on what to give up this year.

I usually give up chocolate, but seeing as how I sneaked in a piece this morning, that's pretty much a no-go. I think I've pretty much decided on red meat. I've been wanting to eat less meat anyway, ever since I heard that reducing your meat intake to one day per week is one of the actions that has the most impact on our environment. So not only do I fulfill my Lenten duties, but I also help Mother Earth. Sweet!

Now I just have to decide how I'll live without bacon. Mmmmm, bacon. Turkey bacon doesn't count as red meat, does it? Because if so, I'm cooked. (No pun intended.)

I could always take the easy road and give up mushrooms...

Well, I had all hopes of listing my favorite ads from the Super Bowl. Unfortunately, Big Brother had a different idea. I was called to jury duty this week. I was excused, so I don't have to serve, but it effectively threw my entire weekly schedule into a tizzy. Needless to say, I didn't get a chance to make the list, and it's kinda late now. It's old news, baby, old news. Oh well.

At least the Giants won! :-)

It's been a while since I gave a hand update, so here goes.

I went to the rheumatologist yesterday. Remember how the hand surgeon said I had trigger finger on my index finger and a torn ligament on my thumb, but I thought he was wrong? Well, the rheumatologist, Dr. S, agrees with me. Yay! I'm not crazy! (Well, at least not about this...)

Anyway, he said that it's highly unlikely that that's what is wrong with my fingers. It's more likely that it's some type of arthritis. Actually, he said it could be:

Rheumatoid arthritis
Osteoarthritis
Gout
Lupus
Lyme Disease
Psoriasis

Yeah. Wow. That's a whole lot of options right there. Some of them are interesting. Gout? Really? And psoriasis -- isn't that some kind of skin condition? Believe it or not, though, if there's a "perfect storm" of conditions, such benign diseases might react by inflaming tissues and might cause the hand problems I've been having. Quite interesting, indeed.

I'm having bloodwork done this week to either rule out or confirm the above conditions. Honestly, I just want to know either way. It's been seven months -- seven loooooong months -- and it'd be really nice to just have an answer as to what the heck is going on. And it's a sad state of affairs when Lyme Disease would be the best option, huh?

Ah, the joys of getting older. Ain't aging grand?

Maria Diarrhea's Moviewatch:

I know, I've been watching a lot of movies lately. I'd like to blame it on the writers strike, but it's probably more because I don't have a life. Either way, you win!

"Untraceable": Grey, you definitely don't want to watch this one. Actually, that pretty much goes for everyone else. It's a good concept, as far as semi-scary thrillers go, but the delivery leaves you wanting. It's missing something. I don't know what -- hey, I'm not a filmmaker -- but it could have been really good and instead it's just eh.

"The Last King of Scotland": I've wanted to watch this for a while, but it was one of those movies that always seemed to be pushed down on the list whenever a new one came out. I'm glad I finally saw it, but it was disturbing, more so because it's true. Idi Amin was one sick, crazy dude, and I can see why Forest Whitaker won the Oscar. But for me, James McAvoy made the movie. He was absolutely amazing and really made you understand how an "innocent" person could buy into Amin's story and charm, and nearly become just like him. Two thumbs up. (Yes, even the bad thumb.)

"Superman Returns": Yes, I know I'm a couple of years behind, but this is another one of those movies that got put off and off. It wasn't half bad. I couldn't really see Brandon Routh in the role until I saw the movie, then realized he was perfect in the role. I think he did Superman proud. But I still can't get over the whole Clark-Kent-in-glasses thing -- you know, that they can't tell it's Superman because he's got glasses on. Or that he can just rip off his clothes and he's got his Superman outfit, complete with a cape, underneath. Or that no one questions why Clark seems to be gone every single time Superman's there. I know, I've got to let it go, but it's a big reason why I was never into the whole Superman thing. Like my sister said, if he'd just wear the Zorro mask, it'd be fine. Still, the movie was ok.

"We Are Marshall": I'm not a football fan, but for some reason I love football movies, and this was a really good one. Based on the true story of a Texas town that lost its entire college football team in a plane accident in the early '70s, it's a typical sports story -- team struggles, team comes back from diversity, team and town learn life lesson -- but the fact that it's based on a true story makes it much more poignant. I'm also not a huge fan of Matthew McConaughey, but he's pretty good here. Now Matthew Fox -- wowza. Not only is he a total fox, but dude can really act. He made the movie for me. And yes, I cried. What of it?

Speaking of football, the Super Bowl is this Sunday. You know what that means -- commercials! I'll have my annual report of my faves shortly thereafter. I know, you're excited now, aren't you?

Maria Diarrhea's Moviewatch:

"The Bucket List": I love Morgan Freeman, but I'm not a big fan of Jack Nicholson. To me, he's a slightly less hammy Al Pacino but a more talented Harrison Ford. It's not that he's not a talented actor -- he is. I think that, just like Ford, he has a knack for picking the same roles over and over, and those roles seem to suit his talents best. He was great in "The Departed," but he was again playing the same role he always seems to play. One notable exception from recent memory was "As Good as it Gets." That was one time I watched him and thought, "man, he was good." Ok, I also really liked "Something's Gotta Give" -- in fact, I loved that movie -- but that was despite the fact he was in it. I love Diane Keaton, and the story really reverberated for me.

But I digress. I really enjoyed "The Bucket List." Yes, it plays on your heartstrings. And yes, it's pretty much contrived, sugary shlock and you know exactly where the plot is going. But it was good, clean fun. I laughed, I cried. And cried. And cried. (I'm such a sucker.) I recommend it, but it's safe to rent it when it comes out on DVD. There's no real need to rush out and see it in the theater.

A movie you should see in a theater, however, is "Cloverfield." I knew very little about it -- just a vague outline of the plot and the fact that J.J. Abrams was involved. I'm glad I didn't know more. It took me by surprise just how much I liked this movie. I won't reveal anything about the plot, because I think it's more fun if you don't know what it's about, but if you've watched Abrams' "Lost," you know it's not all what it seems at first. If you can put up with the movie's first annoying 20 minutes, you'll be pleasantly surprised. I did get a little queasy at the camerawork. I understand why directors use handheld cameras to convey a sense of movement and realism, but dang, it was thisclose to making me sick! I had to close my eyes several times just to get my equilibrium back. All in all, though, it was worth it. "Cloverfield" is an original movie with some great ideas and funny dialogue. And that's all I'm gonna say about that.

Coming soon (or as soon as the powers-that-be release these on DVD): "Michael Clayton," "Reservation Road" and "3:10 to Yuma." I'm open to other suggestions...

So my colleague Chris, he of the men's engagement ring fame, wanted me to set the record straight regarding the "Office" DVDs I've been watching.

I did not rent them, as I deceptively claimed. I borrowed them from Chris, who will from now on be known as "Poopyhead." And yes, I know he will read this. And no, I don't care, because he is a poopyhead.

So we had our office holiday party last week (you know, after the holidays) at a Barolo, a really nice restaurant in the Village. If you're in the City and want to have a nice Italian dinner, I recommend this place. (And no, they didn't pay me to say that.)

The food was really good, and served buffet style. For appetizers, we had crostini with salmon and roasted red pepper spread; goat cheese puffs; shots of buttersquash soup garnished with lobster; rosemary chicken tenders on a skewer with peppers; and beef tenderloin on a skewer. I think there was a mushroom appetizer or two in there, but I passed on those (natch). For dinner, we had penne alla vodka; spinach ravioli; risotto with wine sauce and grapes; Chilean sea bass with tomato, black olive and caper sauce; carved roast beef; roasted potatoes; mixed veggies; asparagus; and two types of salad. Then, for dessert, they brought a plate of mini-pastries to each table -- I was so good, I only had three, but trust me, I could have eaten the whole plate!

I didn't take my camera with me, but I was still able to wrangle some pics from other partygoers. I could not let this posting go without showing you this:



Ahh, the antler lady. God bless her. But hey, if nothing else, she's got the holiday spirit.

Here's a pic of the gorgeous gals in my department:



From left to right, it's Tasha, Vanessa, moi and Heather.

Don't you wish you worked with us? Don't ya?

So remember the puzzle I got for Christmas that I was so excited about -- the one of the U.S. Capitol building?

Folks, it nearly killed me. (Hey, maybe that was the whole idea? Nah, my mom loves me ... I think.)

Anyway, it took me six days to finish the darn thing. And we're talking about more than an hour at a time -- sometimes closer to two.

I was just about to give up on doing it when everything clicked, literally. I was able to connect two pieces that made me realize how everything worked, and it just snowballed from there.



It's kinda neat, actually, and I'm definitely going to get another one. I'm just gonna give it a little while ...

Click here to see my road to near-insanity.

Maria Diarrhea's Moviewatch

"No Country for Old Men": I don't want to give too much away, so I'll keep the description brief. The movie takes place in the 1980s in Texas. When a hunter (Josh Brolin, in what may be the best performance of his career) stumbles upon a drug deal gone wrong, he is tracked by a vicious, psychopathic killer (a brilliant Javier Bardem). Right behind them is a local sheriff (Tommy Lee Jones -- love him!), who's trying to catch the killer and save the hunter. The movie is really well done, if a little slow-moving, and I can see why it's on a lot of critics' Top 10 lists. Be warned, though: it's pretty gory. I watched most of the movie through my fingers. If you're squeamish, you might want to pass on this one.

"National Treasure: Book of Secrets": This is the sequel to "National Treasure," which I did also see in the theater and which was surprisingly good. In this movie, historian/treasure hunter Ben Gates is told that his great-great grandfather was complicit in Abraham Lincoln's assassination and tries to clear his great-great grandfather's name. To do this, he must follow clues that take him around the world. It's a mix of "The Da Vinci Code" and "Indiana Jones." It can be a bit cheesy, and you have to suspend disbelief at times, but it's thoroughly enjoyable.

"Superbad": It was superbad. I laughed more during "National Treasure."

"Infamous": I rented this one, and am so glad I did. It tells the story of writer Truman Capote, who in 1959 went to a small Kansas town to research his book "In Cold Blood," about two convicted murderers. I knew Capote was a writer, but that's about all I knew. Now I want to know more. Capote is played by Toby Jones, whom I've never heard of before (but have since found out he is the voice of Dobby in "Harry Potter"!). He is fantastic in this role. And Sandra Bullock is really good as Capote's friend Harper Lee. I know "Capote," another film that came out before this one, got all the accolades, but I haven't seen that one (though now I plan to). I thoroughly recommend this one. I thought it'd be boring, but it's not. If you've got a couple of hours and don't have anything else to watch, give this one a shot.

"The Marine": Ok, don't blame me for this one. My sister rented it and I was bored... It's total cheese. The plot is stupid, the acting is awful, it's entire predictable and completely ridiculous. But you know what? I enjoyed it. It's totally mindless fun.

"The Office": So I know this isn't a movie, but I wanted to catch up on the TV series. I never get to watch it live because it's opposite two shows I watch religiously, so I rented the first two seasons on DVD. If you've seen the British version with the genius Ricky Gervais, you'll like the American version. (And if you haven't seen the British version with the genius Ricky Gervais, what are you waiting for? Rent it. Now.) This show cracks me up. It's uncomfortable to watch sometimes; I often find myself cringing with embarrassment for some of the people. But I guess that's the point. I'm just glad I don't work there!

So that's it, that's my first Maria Diarrhea Moviewatch. Let me know if there are any movies you think I absolutely have to watch. From what I can tell, the writers' strike isn't going to end any time soon, so I have plenty of free time on my hands.

There was a time when I'd go to the movie theater once, sometimes twice, a week. I loved everything about it -- watching the movie on a giant screen, getting away from life for a little while, the popcorn ...

But somewhere over the last couple of years, I've really soured on it. People are too loud and annoying. There are usually too many kids. And you have to mortgage your house just to buy the ticket.

So little by little, I stopped going and started renting DVDs instead. I would rent about two or three a week and just sit on the couch with a big bowl of popcorn, a box of Goobers and a bag of Twizzlers (and, of course, a diet soda...)

But then I even stopped that, because that started getting expensive, too, and I was in serious danger of becoming a hermit. And let's face it, as you get older, your attention span isn't quiet what it used to be. What? You want me to watch something for two hours straight?

But thanks to the WGA strike, I've rediscovered my love of movies.

Since the strike (go, writers!), there hasn't really been anything to watch on TV. I could pick up a book, but the Harry Potter series is over and there's just so many James Patterson books a girl can read. So instead of taking the opportunity to expand my cultural horizons (bo-ring), I've been catching up on movies instead.

Until the strike is over -- at which point I'll lock myself in the house for a week straight and make mad, passionate love to my remote control -- I have no choice but to explore the best (and worst) offerings of the silver screen, and I'll share my thoughts on them with you. I'm not an art-house chick, so don't be surprised to see some low-brow flicks on the list. To me, if the movie makes me laugh, cry or hungry, it's done its job.

I shared some reviews with you last week, but I've decided to make it a standard feature with a cool new name, Maria Diarrhea's Moviewatch. I know, I'm brilliant.

So watch out for more reviews, coming soon.

Ok, this is so bizarre ...

I was going to take my laptop to the computer guy tomorrow so he could fix it, so I turned my laptop on this morning to test it, and it's working perfectly!

So no need to worry -- Maria Diarrhea is back, baby.

Well, so much for my resolutions...

My laptop died this morning. It might be a little while before I fix it, so unless I find time at work to blog, I may be missing for a smidge. I'll try to do the best I can, because, you know, everything I have to say is just so fascinating...

I'll post with an update as soon as I have one. Until then, try to hold it together without me, k?

I told myself I wouldn't make any resolutions this year. What's the point, when they're usually broken by Jan. 2? Instead, I share with you my:

2008 Blogging Resolutions

1. I resolve to blog at least three times per week.

2. I resolve to make at least one of those weekly entries interesting.

3. I resolve to read and reply to all comments to my postings.

4. I resolve not to read the comments on any page but my own -- especially not on general consumer sites. Where has general courtesy gone?!?

5. I resolve to keep this year's resolutions no matter what.

6. I resolve to try to keep the resolutions from last year that I didn't really follow through on. (I'll let you guess which ones I didn't keep. Be nice.)

If the past is any indication, I'll be really, really good with these ... for about two weeks, then I'll give up and decide to blog about how resolutions are useless anyway and why anyone even makes them is beyond me.

To all of you reading this -- and even to those who aren't cool enough to be reading this -- I hope 2008 brings you health, wealth, peace and joy!

I don't know what's going on with the photo part of the blog -- I'm having so much trouble. But here's a little preview of what you'll see if you click here:



David: "What? I was just stretching.
It's purely a coincidence that it was
near the presents, I assure you..."

Claudia and David looking as cute as ever.

My favorite part of every dinner: dessert!

So Christmas is done. It's always so anticlimactic, isn't it? You wait weeks and weeks for it and -- Poof! -- it's over in less time than it takes to unwrap that third pack of jumbo socks.

I did great this year -- got lots of stuff from my wish list. As mentioned previously, I got a neat Swiss Army knife, a Rachael Ray cookbook and the Cranium Wow board game. Then, just when I thought it couldn't get better, I got resistance bands (because you know I've just been eating my way through the holidays...), gift cards and a 3-D puzzle. Have you seen these? They're the coolest! It's like a regular puzzle, but 3-D. Ok, duh. I didn't really need to explain that, did I? I think it's all the sugar that's gone to my head...

Anyway, so I had requested the Empire State Building puzzle, which is for beginners. Instead, I got the Capitol Building, which is an advanced puzzle. I always knew my mother secretly hated me... Anyway, I've been trudging away for the past couple of days. I'm not very far into it, but I think I've hit my groove. I'm documenting it in pictures so you can see what I'm up against...

But first, I've got pics of the Christmas Eve extravaganza. I'm having trouble posting them to the blog, so you'll have to click here to see them.

According to Galaxy Quiz's "How Are You Defined in the Dictionary?" quiz:

Maria
[noun]
A person who enjoys the smell of rotten eggs

How did they know? Ahh, I love the smell of rotten eggs in the morning.

Ugh, actually, I can't stand the smell of rotten eggs (who can?), especially of the movie variety. Like "Sweeney Todd," which I went to see this weekend. (Nice segue, huh?)

I love musicals. I love Johnny Depp -- in my opinion, he's one of the best actors of any generation. And while I don't think much of Helena Bonham Carter (though her Bellatrix Lestrange is way scary), I think she's a fine enough actress. But this movie sucked eggs, and rotten eggs at that.

It wasn't the performances -- they were fine. Or the directing -- Tim Burton can't really do much wrong. Or even the visuals -- the costume director deserves an Oscar for her work. But for some reason, it just didn't come together. I think it was the music. The songs are not exactly the kind you find yourself humming on a Sunday morning while cleaning the dust bunnies from the back of the TV stand. They were, how should I put it, "eh."

I dunno, maybe I'm just one of the masses and don't really get the "art" behind the film. But to me, movies should be enjoyable. If I'm going to spend a gazillion dollars at the movie theater, it's got to be something that entertains me. And this didn't.

What did entertain me was a movie I rented, "The Bourne Ultimatum." I wish I'd seen it in the theater (gazillion dollars notwithstanding), as it definitely is the kind of movie that kicks it on the big screen, but it still translated well to TV. Matt Damon is soooo good, and it's refreshing to watch an intelligent action movie that actually has a message. Oh, and Matt Damon is soooo hot.

I also saw the really good "Eastern Promises" with Viggo Mortensen. This is the one where he has a naked fight scene at a bathhouse. Nuff said.

Oh, and I saw "Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix." (I know, I really caught up on my movie-watching this weekend...) It was a really good adaptation, although now that I know how the series ends, there wasn't the sense of urgency as with previous films. Great special effects, though. Voldemort still scares the bejesus out of me. I can't stand Ralph Fiennes, and this did nothing to help his cause with me.

I was told I absolutely have to rent "Superbad," which I plan on doing this weekend. Unless I miraculously get a life.

And that, my friends, is my movie report. I'll follow up soon with stories/pics from the Christmas festivities.

So how are you defined in the dictionary?

To all my bloggites near and far, I wish you a joyous [insert holiday here] and the healthiest and happiest of new years!

Peace and love,

Maria Diarrhea

Know what I love most about Christmas? If you said "the joy of the season," you don't know me at all. What I love most about Christmas are the presents! (Really, did you expect anything else?)

I've already gotten several. Two were from far-away friends that I visited, so we opened our gifts together, and one was from my Secret Santa at work, so you can't really shame me for opening them. Oh, sure, I could have waited, but why put off until tomorrow what you can do today? (I love it when proverbs turn out to have meanings that actually work for me...)

So my first gift was from Neets, who, among other things, gave me this neat Swiss Army knife:



I can now tweeze my eyebrows, pick my teeth and file my nails all at the same time. See, it's a time-saver! Neets, you're always so efficient ...

Next, my friend Janet got me what I think was a hint:



Way to go, Jazi! And yes, I will make recipe #187.

And last, but not least, my Secret Santa (aka Tasha) got me one of my favorite games of all time:



Ok, so I haven't actually played this one yet -- I'm saving it to play on Christmas day -- but I love all the other Cranium games, and I'm sure this will be no exception.

So far, you guys, the gifts have been spot-on. Great job! You're the best! (Have I flattered you sufficiently? Good. Now keep 'em coming.)

So I am now officially a Garden State resident. I went to the DMV this week to get my new license and plates. Only one problem: My plates start with WMD ... as in, weapons of mass destruction. It wouldn't be too much of a problem if there weren't an anti-Bush bumper sticker directly above it.

I took my niece and nephew to meet Santa yesterday at my church. (See all pics here.)

My nephew, David, kept reminding me that it was Santa, not Santa Claus. See, Santa Claus is the real one, and he's waaaaay too busy. He's got all those toys to make and deliver, all the elves to supervise, the reindeer to feed. He doesn't have time to sit with all the world's little boys and girls. Instead, he sends one of his helpers, who's just named Santa. He covers for Santa Claus when he's too busy. Never, ever call him Santa Claus, because he's not.

Anyway, so they met Santa (not Claus), and David kept telling him to "stooooopppp." When I asked him why he was telling Santa (not Claus) to stop, he said, "He keeps staring at me." He was a little freaked out, and I wonder if he would feel the same way if he thought it was Santa Claus. I'm sure he'd be like, "Yo, Santa Claus, can I get you a soda? Here you go. Hungry? Want a cookie? I just happened to have baked a fresh batch. How about a foot massage? Can I interest you in that? Yes? Great, let me take care of that for you. Oh, by the way, have you seen the new Nintendo DS system..."

I'm back from sunny Florida. And man, am I cold! There's a reason why northerners go south for the winter. Yikes.

So I went to visit my friend Neets:



It was her birthday when I arrived. You know, we were born the same year, but she's five years older than me. I wonder how that happened...



We spent most of the time doing my favorite thing -- shopping. Florida has the best stores. It doesn't hurt that it's always sunny and warm. Nothing like that kind of weather to get the purse strings to loosen...



We also went to the beach, which was so clean and so beautiful:



Oh, and of course we played with her doggie, Pippin. And no, he didn't eat my toes. Good doggie!



Have I teased you sufficiently? Well, then click here to see all the pics. You'll see why I was thisclose to having all my stuff shipped down.

Not sure what to get me for Christmas? I wouldn't turn this down. Or this. Or this or this or this. And especially not this.

You might also find something on my Amazon Wish List.

I'm just sayin'. No pressure. :-)

Woo hoo! Tomorrow I will be in sunny Florida, visiting Neets. We'll be hanging by the pool, drinking margaritas (ok, more like diet soda) and talking about those crazy teenagers on MTV. It'll be just like the Golden Girls. Except that the Golden Girls got some action now and again.

I got her dog, Pippin, a doggy toy in the hopes that he won't chew my toes off. Actually, he's quite a cute doggy, and I know he's not going to eat my toes. I just have this completely irrational fear of walking barefoot around dogs, like they'll go over to my feet and gnaw at my toes. I don't know where the fear came from, but just add it to my list of "quirks." Although last time I visited Neets, I actually did walk around barefoot for just a little ... but then I freaked out and put socks back on. As if he can't bite through the socks, or that he would even do it. Sheesh. I need help, I know.

Anyway, if I'm not too sloshed from all the diet sodas, I'll try to take some pics.

I complain every so often about a range of things -- my boss, my health, my family -- but I have to say, I've truly been blessed in my life.

We're doing a Secret Santa at work, and I had to come up with a list of things I want from my Secret Santa, and you know, I couldn't come up with anything. I have pretty much everything I need and most things I want. Eventually, I was able to put a list together (you can see it here -- hint, hint), but these are just things I'm picking for the sake of picking something.

I have a wonderful family that (most of the time) brings me joy and (almost always) helps when the chips are down. I've got a great job, even if I am less than enamored with it lately. I've got great friends, some of whom even let me vacation at their warm-weather homes (that's a shout out to you, Neets!). I've got my health, which, although spotty this past year, is still a lot better than a lot of people's. All in all, one darn lucky person.

And so I will try to keep this all in mind as I b*tch about the lines at the stores or the annoying Christmas carols that I can't get out of my head (that stupid "Feliz Navidad" -- argh!). Oh, I kinda complained already, didn't I? Oops. My badness.

Just a little something to get you in the holiday spirit:

http://www.elfyourself.com/?id=1117168433

I'm the one on the left.

Enjoy!

Well, I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving. I've had better, but hey, there was turkey, yams, veggies and dessert. What more can a girl ask for -- other than not being called a fat-ass by her mother? (Actually, the exact words were "Wow, your butt is getting big!")

Ah, it's been a joy having dear ol' mom around. For the most part, things have been great. Then there are the fat comments. My favorites are the passive-aggressive ones -- you know, the "You shouldn't eat so late at night, it's not good for your 'digestive system'" or "You do love bread, don't you?" comments. Great for the ol' self-esteem.

Now, I know I've gained some weight over the last year. In between health problems and stress, I've packed on a few pounds. I'm not blind. I don't need it pointed out. And hey, if you are going to mention it, can you try to do it nicely, like maybe pretend you're concerned about my health or something, not just call me a glutton? I dunno, maybe be motherly.

But hey, on the upside, I'm going to Florida next week to visit Neets for a few days. Woo hoo! And just think, I'll be able to eat what I want and not worry about it. After all, calories don't count when you're on vacation, right? Um, maybe that's how I got in trouble in the first place. Darn it!

As promised, here's video from the concert. It's not great, since it was pretty dark in there, but the sound is good. Enjoy!

Meet Virginia:



Calling All Angels:



Drops of Jupiter:

Oh my gosh, the Train concert was amazing!

The China Club is a small venue, so it always seems like they're singing right at you. It was great. And I have to say, Pat Monaghan has one of the best male rock voices. He could sing the alphabet and imbue it with such emotion. He's so effing talented. Good thing, too, because the boy ain't exactly a looker. But really, put any guy on stage behind a mike, guitar or drums, and his attractiveness quotient rises immediately. What is it about that?

Anyway, I took some pics, which you can see here. I also took video, but I haven't yet figured out how to put it online. I know, I'm old. But I'm also hard-headed, so I'll work it out.

Well, my mom has arrived. So far, so good ... ask me again in a week.

I've got the Train concert tonight. Woo hoo! I'm excited to just have something to do. I'll try to upload the pics tomorrow, but it might not be after Thanksgiving.

Speaking of ... I hope everyone has a happy Turkey Day!




Save some pie for me! :-)

After the last few months of craziness, I decided to do a little something for myself, so I called my favorite day spa and made an appointment for their fall special: a pumpkin facial, an aromatherapy massage and a pumpkin pedicure.

Oh my goodness, I feel divine. I smell like pumpkin pie. I totally want to lick my own face right now! (Alas, that's a talent I don't possess.)

Not that I needed a big excuse to get pampered. We should all treat ourselves now and then. It's amazing what a difference it makes.

Oh, and get this ... While I was driving to the spa, I called in to win tickets to a private concert with the band Train ("Calling All Angels"), and I won! It's on Nov. 20 at the China Club in NYC. How cool is that? I've already been to two of these things there -- INXS and James Blunt, if you'll remember -- so I know it's a really cool place. And because you have to win tickets, only about 200 people go, so it's a nice cozy affair. I'm so psyched. Admittedly, I don't know much about Train, besides liking a couple of their songs, but it's always fun to go hang out in NYC, and I also qualify to meet the band before the show. That's a long shot, but it's worth a try.

Anyway, I'm off to grab some lunch. Don't worry, my face is not in danger. :-P

So our office building is holding an exhibition to draw attention to the fight against hunger. They had local businesses build exhibits using canned goods. I tell you, it's pretty amazing what they can make out of just cans. I took some pics -- hope you enjoy.

A slice of pizza. Yum:



I love this one -- the Easter Island statue:



You know what's sad? I knew what that was even before I saw the sign, but only because I saw "Night at the Museum." Oh, pop culture, you teach me so.

This tractor must have taken a ton of work. It is too cool:



But this one is my hands-down favorite:



Big Bird! I love Big Bird! Who doesn't love Big Bird? Crazy people, that's who.

You know what they made his feathers out of? Anchovy cans. How friggin' cool is that? These folks are talented.

This last pic I just found too cute:



Under Canstruction! Aw, come on, you can't not like that.

Well, I hope these pics brought a smile to your day. And when you think you can't do something, remember ... you CAN! (Groan ... that was bad, even for me ... Sorry.)

I'm baaaaack.

Wow, it's been a loooong time since I posted. Most of the craziness has cleared, so I should be back on track soon. Let me give you some updates:

I rented out my house on Long Island, so that frees me up to actually have a life here in New Jersey, since I won't have to travel back and forth all the time. I also finished school, for this semester anyway. I think I did pretty well in the class, but I'll have to wait a couple of weeks for the official grade. Thanks to everyone who added their comments to the blog.

Oh, and about my hand. Well, now the diagnosis of Trigger Finger is up for debate. I have to get an MRI in a couple of weeks, and that should reveal what's really going on there. In addition to the problem with my index finger, there's now some sort of "growth" on the bone on my left thumb, making it extremely painful to do, well, pretty much anything.

But hey, let's not dwell on the negative, right? Things are looking up. My mom's coming for a visit in a couple of weeks (I think that's a good thing, but ask me if I feel the same way next month...). I've also decided to jump back into the dating pool, maybe even trying out speed-dating. What have I got to lose, except my life? (Yes, I watch way too much CSI and Law & Order ... I know what happens to single women ... oh, wait, I'm supposed to be focusing on the positive...)

Anyway, so I'm back. That's a good thing, right? Right?!?

So for my class' final project, I'm creating a blog on international business communications. I only have one post up as of now, but I plan to post one every 1-2 days, until the project is due.

I'd like to make the blog as real-world as possible, so I'm asking everyone to visit the blog regularly over the next three weeks and leave comments as if you were a regular reader. (And please keep in mind that my professor will be reading the comments...)

Here's the URL: http://crossborderproject07.blogspot.com

Thanks!

So, I know I haven't posted much recently. You ever have one of those days where everything seems to be crashing down on you, like you can't seem to catch your breath or a break?

Well, I'm having one of those months. I'm just completely overwhelmed with life. Work is crazy. School is stressful. And I can't even go home and decompress because there's too much to do and no one to help me do it. (Don't even get me started...)

Oh, and I finally decided to take the house off the selling block and am renting it. So now I'm moving all my stuff into storage. Moving -- it's so much fun, isn't it?

I'm really looking forward to Nov. 4. That's the day school's over, and I'll be done moving, and things will start slowing down at work. I'm totally going to schedule a spa package for that weekend.

Anyway, sorry to be a Debbie Downer. Onward and upward, my friends. I'll be back to posting silly stuff soon...

So I talked to my mom today, and she's planning on visiting for the holidays, which is great news. However, she plans on coming for four months ... yes, you read that right -- four months. November to February ("or March," she said, but I'm in denial about that).

Now, you know I love my mom to bits. She's my buddy, my pal. I actually do enjoy spending time with her. But I've also really gotten used to her not being here on a regular basis and, well, it's been kinda nice.

Plus, she and my sister do not get along at all. They're constantly at each other's throats, and I'm inevitably caught in the middle. Frankly, I don't wanna deal with it.

It's gonna be a looooong winter ...

Ok, I've got a hand update.

Turns out, my hand problem has a name: Trigger Finger, a condition in which one of your fingers catches in a bent position. If it's severe (that's me -- severe), your finger may become locked in a bent position.

Sounds like fun, eh?

Who even knew it existed? And how cool is that name? I mean, it's much better than Nintendo Finger, which is what I would have gone with. Trigger Finger -- it just sounds so ... tough. Makes it sound like I actually do something other than sit on the couch and post on this blog.

Anyhoo, I went to the surgeon, who wanted to try cortisone shots before opting for surgery, which is really the last resort. Frankly, I'd rather have surgery. Have you ever had a cortisone shot?!? Holy canoli, that sucker is painful. The doctor gave me two in my hand. I cried, I screamed, I almost passed out.

I'm supposed to go back in a month to see if I need more shots. Frankly, I don't think I could go through that again -- I really don't.

Oh, and I've also been getting shots in my right foot, thanks to a pinched nerve. But at least that doctor is cute. And I think he's single. Humuna humuna. It might all be worth it, folks.

I'm falling apart, piece by piece...

So I started school this weekend. I don't know what possessed me to think I could handle going to school again. What was I smoking?

It's a really interesting course, and I've already learned a bit, but I'm not as young as I used to be, you know? Where, exactly, am I supposed to find the time -- and energy -- to do all this research and write all these papers? I mean, what do they think it is, a blog? Pshaw.

Anyway, I didn't do anything to embarrass myself ... yet. But have faith. Maria Diarrhea will come through. Give it some time. :-)

Hey, it's Singles Week! Get down with your bad self.

In honor, here are the "The 10 Best Things About Being Single" (Yahoo! News):

1. You can make last-minute plans with your friends and stay out all night if you want.

2. You can lie on both sides of your bed and have all the covers to yourself.

3. You can flirt with the opposite sex without someone saying, "Who are you looking at? Who are you looking at?"

4. You can make your own decisions.

5. You don't have to remember your significant other's birthday or anniversary.

6. You have no one to clean up after.

7. You can leave the toilet seat permanently up if you're a man, or permanently down if you're a woman.

8. You can make a list of things you always wanted to do ... and actually do them.

9. You can listen to your favorite radio station in the car.

10. You can actually hold on to the remote control.

And to that I add:

No in-laws!

So I have a new boss, which, to my surprise and delight, is actually turning out to be quite nice. She's got some good ideas, and she's been very nice to me, letting me leave early if I have stuff to take care of and even letting me work from home if I have a doctor appointment.

Which isn't to say I enjoy working from home. Let me tell you, if I worked from home full-time, I'd be 700 pounds! I have absolutely no self-control. I've come to terms with that. I admit it. I embrace it.

I tell ya, I spent the whole day eating. Ok, I did a little work, but that was only to fill the time between meals. I don't know how people do it. I would spend my whole paycheck just on food, I know it.

And yes, I know I can just not have junk food in the house, but I live two blocks from a deli in either direction, and there are pizzerias and Chinese take-outs galore in my area. And I don't even like Chinese food! That's sad, when you eat food you don't like just because it's there. The only way I could prevent gaining weight would be to move to a neighborhood that had only mushroom shops in the area. Gross.

It's not often that one gets duped by a 5-year-old, but ...

Right before I went to Spain, my nephew asked me if I'd buy him blue Power Ranger gloves. Since he already had two pairs, in red and green, to be exact, I told him no. A few days later, he told me he lost them, and now would I buy it for him. I knew I was totally being suckered, but he's just so cute ...

Anyway, so I told him I'd take him to buy them, but that he'd have to pay for them. I told him they cost $10, which he said he had, and he said okay. His mom called me and told me he didn't have $10; he had 10 coins. Seeing as how the kid's only 5, and again, he's so darn cute, I decided to forego the lesson this time and buy the kid the darn gloves. The only catch was that he had to give me his 10 coins. (Now, don't call me a scrooge -- it's his parents' rules ...)

So I take him to the store, and we get the gloves. When we get back home, he gave me the 10 coins and says, "We're good now, right?" Yes, David, we're good. "I don't owe you anything, right?" Right, we're all set. "Yay! I get to keep my dollars!"

That's right. He had dollars the whole time. He was totally playing into my aw-shucks-isn't-he-so-cute-he-doesn't-know-anything-about-money naivete. Man, I got suckered. He's lucky he looks like this:



You can see it in his eyes, can't you? :-)

Ok, so about my finger ...

Around three months ago (I know, I know), I woke up with a slightly swollen left index finger. I figured it was just a mosquito bite or something, and let it go. Then it got worse (more swollen), then it got better, then it got worse, then it got better, and then it got worse. For the last six weeks or so, my finger is swollen to about twice its size, is bent at the knuckle, and I'm mostly unable to move or straighten it.

So finally I go to the doctor. Turns out, I snapped the tendon that runs from the finger all the way up the arm. Yikes! And ouch! So I have to go talk to a hand surgeon, so he can do more accurate testing and decide the next step.

Of course, I'm not looking forward to surgery, but I gotta do something. It's taken me about twice as long as it normally does just to type this up, since I can't use the finger. (I can, though, still give you the finger, so be nice.)

I've even put off posting this because it would involve typing. And you know anything that keeps me away from this blog is a bad, bad thing. People count on this blog! They want to hear my opinion on things! They want to know what's going on in my life! And silver unicorns are currently planting chocolate trees in my yard!

Anyway, so that's the story with my finger. I'll let you know what ultimately happens.

Ooh, I do have some good news, though: I start school again next weekend. Yes, I said weekend. I'm going back to finish my master's in strategic communications at Seton Hall. I've decided to take a weekend class, which is three full weekends, Saturday-Sunday, from 10 a.m. to 3 p.m. I don't mind giving up three weekends to get the class over with, though -- I've still got about 63 years before I finish, I'm sure.

But anyway, this class is on international communications, so it should be interesting. And just think, I can make a fool of myself in front of a completely new audience. Yay! And I'll be sure to tell you all about it. Double Yay!

The pics are in!

Click here to see photos from my Spain vacation.

I'll have more pics as soon as my sister -- the one who got stuck in the bathroom ... hahahahahahahaha (sorry, Laura ... I should be over this soon!) -- downloads them. She's got the pics of my grandma.

Enjoy!

I'm baaaack.

I had a great time in Spain. It was one of the most relaxing vacations I've had in a long time. I didn't have to work at all, which was a new treat. Total vacay, from beginning to end. I slept a lot, ate way too much, and even got a few days of shopping and eating in. All in all, not too shabby.

I'll have pics soon, but I do have one story to tell. (Sorry, Laura!)

My grandma's house has two bathrooms -- one inside the house, and one in the back house (where she stores her potatoes, veggies and other stuff she gets from her garden). I was taking a nap one afternoon, and I hear my sister, Laura, scream:

Laura: Moooooooommmmmm!
Mom: What?
Laura: I'm locked in the bathroom!
Mom: What?
Laura: I'm locked in the bathroom!
Mom: How'd you get locked in the bathroom?
Laura: I don't know! Just get me out!
Mom: Why'd you lock the door?
Laura: I don't know! I just did! Help me!
Mom: Hahahahahahahahahaha.
Me: Hahahahahahahahahaha.
Grandma: Hahahahahahahahahaha.
Claudia: Hahahahahahahahahaha.
Laura: I can hear you laughing ...
Mom: Why don't you unlock the door?
Laura: Duh. Because it's stuck!
Mom: Hahahahahahahahahaha.
Me: Hahahahahahahahahaha.
Grandma ... oh, you get the picture.

So my mom asks my sister to pass the key under the door, and tries in vein to unlock it. After a few minutes of trying, she decides to try to take the handle off the door. She gets a screwdriver and takes her side off, then passes the screwdriver to my sister via the small window and tells her to unscrew the handle off her side, which she does. No luck. (I won't mention that even without the handle, the door's still locked!)

After laughing for a few more minutes, my mom decides to call my godfather in the next town down to come help. While we're waiting (and laughing some more), my sister says, "Come on ... there are spiders in here." That's when I jumped into action. I took the key, somehow unlocked the door, screwed back the handle and saved my sister from the aforementioned spiders ... though it was too late to save her from her embarrassment, as my godfather and his son were already aware and, I'm sure, were telling the whole story to their entire town. Given everyone in our area is related, you can imagine how much fun this whole thing was for Laura.

Good times.

Anyways, I should have the pics uploaded by the end of the week. I even have a nice one of my non-working finger, splint and all. I'll save that story for my next posting...

Ok, one more before I go on vacation:

Every teen girl should be shown this Web site: www.iwanexstudio.com. Heck, every adult woman, too, as the number of eating disorders among that group continue to rise.

To view the before and after PhotoShopped pics of celebs, click on Portfolio, then one one the celebs at the bottom. When the box for that celeb pops up, you can move your mouse in and out of the box to see the before and after pics. Click on the box again to close it.

My personal fave is Beyonce. I love how they totally removed the fat roll at her waist and thinned her calf.

I wish I could walk around all PhotoShopped every day ...

Only four more days until my Spain vacation!

I'm most looking forward to seeing my grandma. I miss her. And she says she misses me, though I suspect it's really the pastries I buy that she misses. That's ok, I'll take what I can get.

Since I'll be getting everything ready over the next few days, I probably won't have much time to blog. But don't worry, I'm sure I'll have stories and pics for you when I get back (Labor Day).

Enjoy the rest of your August! :-)

Well, I had a busy birthday weekend, full of lots of fun stuff (and presents, to boot!)

On Saturday, I went to Atlantic City with my colleague Heather. As you can see, I got a little "wasted." Ha ha. Get it? Wasted. Garbage. Ha. Er...



Anyway, neither of us won anything, but it was fun anyway. Especially the part where we ate at the casino buffet. Although I was good -- I only had six desserts:



Ok, I didn't have all of them ... just three. See more pics here.

Then, for my surprise on Sunday, my family took me to Medieval Times! I know! It sounds totally cheesy but was so much fun. Now, if you've never been to MT, you should totally go at least once. It's really neat. You get to eat with your hands, call your waitress "wench," and go gaga over the hot looking dudes with the swords. Ok, they're probably not real swords, but a girl can daydream, can't she? It was my birthday. I was entitled.

The king even wished me a happy birthday. Okay, so he got my name wrong -- maybe Ana is what they called Marias in Medieval times -- but he got my age ("not very old") right. You'll see what I mean here.

All in all, this was one of the best birthdays. Of course, I can't remember most of them, but this one was definitely up there. I think.

I've got one busy birthday weekend ahead of me.

I took Friday off, to treat myself to a massage and facial. It's my way of saying happy birthday to me. Then Saturday, a co-worker and I are going to Atlantic City. Woo hoo. Wish us luck. Or just me. Wish me luck. I promise to share. :-)

I don't know what I'll be doing on Sunday, my actual birthday, but my sister-in-law said we'll do "something fun." Hm, I'm a little scared, actually...

I'll be sure to blog all about it on Monday, with pics, if possible. And hey, you'll be able to see my cute new haircut. At least I think it's cute. It might look awful. What do I know?

Have a great weekend!

It's my birthday in a few days. That's right, I'm turning the big 3-0. Ok, that's a lie. I'm just a teensy bit older than that. Fine, I'll cop to it ... I'm turning 37.

I know they say that age is just a number, and that you're only as old as you feel (which I hope isn't true, because I feel about 80!), but I'm having trouble with this one. For those of you who are older, I know you're probably thinking you'd give your left teat to be 37 again. But this is the oldest I've ever been, so forgive me my pity party.

Ugh, I do feel quite old. And now that my mom's moved to Spain, I feel even older. My sister's only 24, so you can imagine how that is. If I get asked "Are you her mom?" one more time ...

Anyway, I'm easy to shop for, so don't worry about what to get me. Just make it sparkly and you'll be fine. :-)

Really interesting article:

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/20010696/site/newsweek/

I haven't heard this angle before.

Unfortunately, the video has been removed from YouTube. I wonder why. I would have loved to see it ...

Well, I finished Harry. I won't give anything away, don't worry. Let me just say that it was a masterpiece, the best in the series, and that's saying.

If you've read it, drop me a note via e-mail, so as not to ruin it for anyone who hasn't finished it yet.

I don't know what I'll do now that the series is over. Oh, sure, I can find another book to read, but it won't be the same. Harry, I'll miss you -- the book, not Harry. I'm not saying Harry dies, or that he doesn't. I'm not saying anything. :-)

I'm about a third of the way into the new "Harry Potter" book. Don't worry -- I'm not going to say a word about it.

But with all the media storm surrounding the new book, I'm torn. On one hand, I want to read it as slowly as possible, and savor all the fine details. On the other hand, I want to read it as quickly as possible so as not to come across something that inadvertently -- or inadvertently on purpose -- gives anything away. What to do?

I've taken the day off tomorrow so I can dedicate my day to reading the book. Crazy, I know, but it's the only compromise I could think of. This way, I can take my time reading it, but I don't have to worry about spoilers.

So if you call or e-mail me tomorrow, know that I won't get back to you until I've finished my Harry-time. Not that I don't trust you...

On a semi-related note, RFSJ turned me onto a quiz to determine who your HP alter ego is. I was certain I'd be Hermione, but I turned out to be Remus Lupin, the werewolf, instead. Figures. I do tend to be a bit hairy. Check out the quiz here and tell me who your HP alter ego is. Just know that if it's Snape, well, I can't be your friend anymore. :-)

I'm back from DC. I didn't get arrested, but I did manage to wipe myself out. Neets and I went everywhere -- on foot. I will be paying for this for days...

DC is a small-ish area, when compared to cities like New York or San Francisco, but there's a heck of a lot to see. And we saw nearly all of it. Oh, did we.



On Friday night, we went to see the White House (just from the outside, don't worry), the Lincoln Memorial, Korean War Veterans Memorial, Vietnam Veterans Memorial Wall, and the Washington Monument, which looks like one ginormous phallic symbol.



In fact, Neets and I kept referring to it as the GP, or "giant penis." In one view, actually, you'll notice the Capitol Dome to one side. All it needed was another round building on the other side ... oh, nevermind. I have a dirty mind.



Anyway, on Saturday, we went to the Holocaust Museum, which was heartbreaking. The things we humans do to each other. The evil is unimaginable. Looking back, I would have skipped that museum, although I do believe we owe it to those who died to acknowledge what happened there. But it's terribly heartbreaking.



After that, we needed to lighten things up a bit, so we went to the Smithsonian National Air & Space Museum. That was totally cool. In addition to having all manner of rocketships and planes and whatnot, it was also the temporary home of some of the exhibits from the Smithsonian National Museum of American History, which is closed for renovations. We saw Dorothy's red shoes from "The Wizard of Oz," Mister Rogers' sweater, John McClain's wife-beater from "Die Hard" and a whole host of other neat stuff -- oh, and Kermit! We saw Kermit! So adorable.

I've got tons of pics -- 85 of them. It's a lot to go through, I know, but if you want to get a sense of what DC's like, you can find them here.

So I'm off to our nation's capital this weekend. Pray I don't run into Dubya, because I really have no desire to spend the weekend in jail.

My friend Neets will be there, too. We plan on hitting the Holocaust Museum, the International Spy Museum (how cool will that be?!) and the Air & Space Museum. We also plan on making out with a couple of senators. But not Republicans. There are still some lines I draw.

Anyway, you know I'll blog about it upon my return. And hopefully I'll have some pics, too. I don't know if I can take a lot of pics, due to security issues, but I'll try. And hey, if I do get arrested, I can count on y'all to come bail me out, right? :-)

Well, I didn't do anything stupid (yet), but I do have some good news: I got the all clear!

I'm one of the 6 percent for which the cancer did not recur. Now I just have to get tested again in two years, and then I'm in the clear.

Thanks again to all of you for all your kind notes. It's been a rough few days, but now I can go back to being the same, crazy ol' Maria Diarrhea. :-)

Thanks soooo much to everyone for your kind comments and e-mails. I'm doing great. I had a couple of days of nonstop nausea, but I'm feeling back to normal now. (Well, as normal as I ever was, anyway.) Hey, at least now I might finally lose some weight!

Tomorrow's the last day. I get the actual test and then I'm sent home. If they find any leftover tissue, all they have to do is give me a radiation pill and that's it. Zippo. Done. Granted, I shouldn't have any human contact for a day or so, since I'll be radioactive, but really, it's not like anyone ever wants to hang out with me anyway, so no big loss there. LOL. Hey, why aren't you laughing? That was a joke. I mean, people want to hang out with me all the time. Right? Right?!?

Anyway, thanks again. It really does mean a lot. And I promise that, as of next week, I'll go back to posting fun stuff. I'll make sure to do something stupid soon, don't worry. :-)

A few years ago, I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer -- which, if you've gotta have cancer, is the one you wanna go with. It's slow-moving and highly treatable. If you catch it early enough, they just remove your thyroid, and you take a pill every morning for the rest of your life. Mine was caught early enough, and I had my thyroid (and a couple of lymph nodes) removed. I was given the all-clear two years ago.

A bit prematurely, it turns out.

You see, my doctor -- who must have gotten his degree at Wal-M*rt University -- "forgot" (his actual words) to actually run the necessary tests to ensure it didn't spread. Instead, he just did what all great doctors do: he assumed. Nice, eh?

So here I am, eight years later, and I have to get tested for what I should have been tested years ago. But I'm doing it with a new doctor, one that actually seems to have a clue.

This week, I'm getting a Total Body Scan. From what I understand, it's pretty much like an MRI. It's just a giant X-ray that checks to see if any of the cancerous tissue remains. It's a four-day process, which is a pain, but I guess not as much of a pain as having cancer, so I really shouldn't be complaining.

Today, Day 1, I got a thyrogen injection. Previously, if I wanted to get the TBS, I would have to go off my medication for two weeks. Seeing as how the medication takes the place of the thyroid function, this would, effectively, put me in a coma. Not good. But through the miracle of modern medicine, thyrogen "tricks" my body into thinking I've been off the medication, without me actually having to. Now that's good.

Tomorrow, I have to get another injection, after which I have to get blood drawn. Then Wednesday, I have to go to the hospital to take a radioactive iodine pill (which would probably prevent me from blogging, lest I throw the computer into a radiation tailspin). Then, on Thursday, I get the actual TBS. I think they tell me the results that same day. What a novel idea.

The doctor told me I could experience headaches and nausea these next couple of days, two side effects of the thyrogen. Of course, me being me, I'm not nauseous -- I'm hungry. That's a big surprise. Is there anything that would make me not be hungry?

Anyhoo, I'll let y'all know how it goes. If you have a chance, and wouldn't mind, please say a little prayer. Oh, and while you're at it, if you ask for me to win the lottery, I promise to share. :-)

With Independence Day (the day, not the movie) upon us, it made me think back to when I became an American citizen. I went with my dad, whose grasp of the English language was, to put it nicely, a little shaky. Sadly, he did better on the test than I did. And I was in college at this point!

Thank goodness for the guy who gave me the test. He totally gave me the answers. How many Supreme Court justices are there? I dunno ... 7? No? Um, how about 15? No? Doh!

I wonder how many "Americans" could pass the test. I say that if you're going to complain about immigrants in this country, you should be forced to take the test. No passy, no bitchy.

How would you do? Give it a shot: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/19552808/

It's harder than it looks! :-)

In my recent posting about my decision to consider adopting a child, I wrote that I have no desire whatsoever to be pregnant or give birth.

Well, I'll tell you what. If I were on the fence about it, "Knocked Up" would have kicked that urge right out of me.

Holy mother of God. Why would anyone subject themselves to that?!?

Ok, yes, I know, it's a beautiful thing, it's all worth it, yada yada yada. But it hurts! A lot! Why do you think they invented epidurals? Not because labor is a walk in the park, folks. And heck, if the painkiller hurts that much, how much must the thing the painkiller is supposed to help with hurt? Sheesh.

And people do this more than once?

They say tattoos are the same way, too. Now that I get. I want another one, like, right now. But I didn't need a freakin' epidural to get my tattoo.

Listen, all you women who have more than one kid, please tell me how you did it, because I can't even imagine going through it once. I know the end result is worth it, but seriously, mucus plugs? bloody shows? I can barely even stand to write that.

You know what, don't tell me. You keep those details between you and your ob/gyn, and I vow to never ever complain about a stupid headache again. Deal? :-)

I've tried not to get into politics on this blog, because I truly believe everyone is entitled to their opinion, even if it is wrong. ;-)

But I just have to say this one thing, and then I'll drop it:

I hate this administration. I hate this administration. I hate this administration.

I. Hate. This. Administration.

Hate. Hate. Hate. Administration. Administration. Administration. I. I. I.

Yo ódio esta administración.

La ódio.

Yo.

Eo ódio ista administração.

I hate this administration.

Going to a Fourth of July BBQ and need something yummy to bring? Trust me when I say you can't go wrong with my Corn & Black Bean Salsa.

Because it's a cold dish, it's perfect with BBQ'd food, and it's really easy to make in the summer months. I've made it a couple of times for work, and everyone raved about it.

Now, it has cilantro in it, which is an acquired taste, but I have to tell you, even though I'm not a fan of cilantro, it just goes perfectly with the dish. I've tried to make it without cilantro and it's just not the same. So trust me, use the cilantro it calls for. You can try half if you want, just don't go without it completely.

You can also check out the My Favorite Recipes link on the right, to see my other fave dishes. And hey, you know they're easy, because I'm making them. :-)

For the last couple of weeks, I've had this crazy desire to have a baby. I know! Insane, huh? I've never been the one who wants or needs to be a mom. Even as my friends around me were having babies, I was thanking my lucky stars I could wake up late on weekends, or didn't have to worry about paying for someone else's college education. My plan has always been to retire at 55 and enjoy the rest of my life, dammit.

But now ... well, I just don't know if it's the clock ticking or what, but I can actually see myself having a kid. Heck, I'm up early on weekends anyway. And it's not like I go out and party. And I love, love, love my niece and nephew more than I could ever imagine loving another human being. Granted, I also really enjoy when their parents come to pick them up and take them home, but hey, I didn't say I was perfect.

But there's this part of me that feels like, by wanting kids, I'm turning into a cliche -- you know, the independent woman who realizes too late that she wasn't truly fulfilled until she became a mom. There's a part of me that says "Yes, I do want to be a mom," but then the other part gives her the smackdown. "Come on," she says, "You're just buying into the ideal! You just think you want to be a mom because that's what everyone's telling you that's what you want. Wake up and smell the dirty diapers!" It's so confusing...

Here's the thing, though: I definitely, without a doubt, absolutely, positively do not want to be pregnant. I've heard it really hurts. I don't like pain. No, thanks. I've thought about adopting, but it's really expensive, and I'm sure the single-parent thing would work against me. If there were a pregnant teenager that wanted to give her baby up, I'd totally take it, but really, this is 2007, so that's not likely to happen.

I don't know. Maybe I'm just being hormonal. I mean, who am I kidding? I would make a crappy mom. "Not now, kid. I'm watching CSI!" Then again, I'd be a lot better than some of the moms out there. See why I'm confused?

Man, I totally wish I were rich so I could adopt a baby and hire a nanny to take care of it for most of the day, and then just trot it out when it was convenient for me. That would be awesome ... well, except for the baby. I'm sure it would suck for the baby. Ok, scratch that.

OMG, guys, I totally knew that was a bad thing. Maybe I wouldn't make such a bad mom after all!

So last night was the Project A.L.S. fundraising dinner. Thanks to my friend Diego's generosity, I was able to schmooze with some of the celebs in attendance.

Of course, as should be expected, I totally made a fool of myself. Don't believe me? Ask Diego: "You totally made a fool of yourself." (Ok, so he didn't actually say this, but I know he's thinking it ...)

We were there for about an hour, and it was totally boring so we decided to skedaddle and grab some grub at a Thai restaurant. (It was my first time eating Thai; it was good.) Anyway, so we were on our way out when we stopped by the press area so Diego could say hello to one of the actresses, whom he happened to know. While in the press area, I turn and see a tiny little woman standing next to me. So I say, "Hi." Then I realize it's Rachel Dratch. "RACHEL DRATCH! Oh my god. Diego, it's RACHEL DRATCH! I'm such a big fan. I've seen everything you've done, like 'King of Queens' and ... [dead silence] ... um, so, do you want to take a picture of me?" Sigh. Diego came to my rescue: "How about I take a picture of the two of you?" Thank goodness for Diego. I'm such a nerd ...

... which, if it weren't apparent already, will be shortly. You see, after I took the picture with Rachel Dratch, I see Aasif Mandvi, whom I love from "The Daily Show with Jon Stewart." I TiVo the show every night, so I see him on it all the time. I think he's a pisser. Anyway, I see him walking towards us, so I go, "AASIF MANDVI!" (By the way, their names are in all caps because I couldn't help screaming their names at them, as if they had forgotten who they were ... or were deaf.) "Diego, it's AASIF MANDVI! I'm such a big fan of yours from 'The Daily Show.' I mean, I'm not from 'The Daily Show' -- you are. But you know that. What I mean is I'm a fan of your work from 'The Daily Show.' Yeah, Ok, so, do you want to take a picture of me?" I kid you not. Again, thank goodness for Diego, who quickly corrected me, and Aasif agreed to take the picture. At that moment, though, the camera batteries died. But Aasif was so nice; he told me to replace the batteries (thank goodness I had brought spares) and that he was going to grab a bite to eat, and to call him over when I was ready. And lo and behold, he came over when I called him over. He totally came right over with a mouth full of food and posed for a pic with me. What a nice guy.

Then there was Richard Kind (picture above, with moi), or as I called him, "RICHARD KIND!" You know what's coming next: "Diego, this is RICHARD KIND!" I'm stupid. Thankfully, though, I did not ask Richard Kind to take a picture of me. I got it right. Crisis averted.

So I had gotten a few pictures. My job was done. We could go. As we were walking down the block, I saw "The Daily Show"'s Rob Riggle, on his way to the dinner. Sigh. Do I have to say it? Oh, alright. "ROB RIGGLE!" He smiles, waves, keeps on walking (smart man). I say to Diego, "Oh, I wanted to take a picture with him." Well, I must have been talking quite loudly, because we looked back and saw him walking back our way, ready to pose for a picture. How about that?

I have to tell you, these folks were so super-nice, especially given the fact I acted like a lunatic. I mean, seriously, they could have called the cops on me. I was acting that crazy. Thankfully, they saw me for what I am, just a loser. But I'm a loser with pictures! So click here to show me it was not all in vain.

Well, I've decided to stop blogging for the Huffington Post.

After my latest column, in which I said Isaiah Washington should not have been fired from "Grey's Anatomy" for the use of a gay slur towards a colleague, I got a ton of comments, some of which were hurtful -- which is somewhat ironic, given the nature of the column. I decided I just don't have it in me. Apparently, my ego is more fragile than I had original anticipated.

Anyway, it was fun while it lasted. And I learned something new about myself: I don't take criticism well. You probably already knew that, though. :-)

Oh, but look at the bright side. That just means more time for me to blog here. See, there's a silver lining after all.

David graduated pre-K today. Awwwwww. What a proud auntie I am.

And yes, I know I've had a bunch of kid stuff up lately, with birthdays and graduations and all, but it should be done for a while. Now I can get back to living my life ... Oh, who am I kidding? I got nothin'. Oooh, wait, that's not true: On Monday, I'm going to a benefit dinner with a bunch of celebs. Maybe I'll marry one. Maybe. I have to see how I feel that day. Riiiiiiight.

Anyway, until then, entertain yourselves with these pics from the graduation: Ooh, click me! Click me!

Did I not say there would be more cuteness? Claudia celebrated her 9th birthday with a harbor cruise around New York. Lucky kid. All I got were some bellbottoms and a paisley shirt.

To see more pics, click here and here.